Most of us have had a few roommates in our day. It's part of growing up. For some reason, I feel the need to get down on paper my feelings about the particular painful ones. Here is a list of my worst roommates, listed in chronological order:
1. Daniel
Daniel was my first roommate that I didn't know beforehand. It was the semester after my mission. I moved into Moon Apartments at the B3, which was famous because a Hansen had lived there since the Ute Indians built the complex in 515 A.D. The nice part about Moon was that it had furniture from the original construction, which added to its character. I did 1.5 years there, which was about 2 years too many.
Anyway, Daniel was a nice, well-dressed guy who liked to talk about girls and how much he hated Utah. He was from the backwoods of Virginny, where they fashion pants out of tree bark and haul water out of the crick. He served his mission in Peru, and had a soft spot for Latinas. He played the guitar and was the lead singer of our band, "The Man in the Yellow Hat".
What made Daniel obnoxious was that he acted like- as my high-school buddy Dan put it- a "teenie-bopper". He wore hemp necklaces and dressed like a preppie. He laughed at sophomoric jokes with a little too much zeal and overlaughed in general at the stupidest things. He lacked a lot of basic common sense and wasn't considerate in the least. One of his favorite things to do was to belch. His belch wasn't an accidental burp like the dainty ones Mel releases after a sip of Caffeine Free Diet Doctor Pepper, these were intentional, spirit-breaking belches.
The absolute worst was his morning routine. He had classes at 8, and I didn't have class until 10, therefore, I was always asleep when he woke up. First of all, he was one of these guys that had to hit snooze several times before actually getting up. Secondly, he let out a floor-rattling belch as he got out of bed, when most people would simply yawn. Thirdly, he would open and close the bedroom door as if nobody in the entire world was asleep. Fourthly, he wouldn't bring his things into the shower with him, which means he's doing all of his dressing and grooming in the room, not even trying to be quiet in the least. Fifthly, he wouldn't keep his deodorant/cologne/hair gel/who-knows-what-else out on his shelf or on top of the dresser, they were all haphazardly placed in his top drawer. It always sounded like he was opening and closing a drawer full of billiard balls and shuffling through them. Sounds are always 20 times louder when you're trying to stay asleep. Last of all, there are loud belches, at least 5 of them, scattered throughout this whole process. I could even hear him belching in the shower, through 2 doors and a pillow pressed against my ear. It was with Daniel that I perfected the Pillow Muffle, which is the art of muffling all noises with your pillow, while still staying comfortable and ideally asleep.
Daniel had some redeeming qualities, too. I'm sure of it.
2. Alex at B3
Alex actually wasn't that bad of a roommate at all, and I actually barely even remember him. My brother Brian is encouraged to leave a lengthy comment on Alex, as I only have one complaint: When he cooked a meal, which was usually for 1, possibly 2, people, he dirtied EVERY SINGLE DISH IN THE ENTIRE APARTMENT COMPLEX. It was uncanny! Spaghetti and Meatballs? 30 dirty dishes! Chicken Parmesan? 45 dirty dishes! PB&J? 1,734 dirty dishes!
3. Radiohead
Ah, Radiohead. So named because of the size of his noggin, clumped together with his similarities to Radio, played so affably by Cuba Gooding, Jr., in the movie of the same name. Radiohead was not aware of this nickname.
Radiohead moved into a tough situation. Sam, Jason, and I were dominating the Enclave at the time. We were in our prime - Juniors, nice tans from a summer at the pool, long enough at the Enclave to know who was cool and who wasn't, but not too long where we'd worn out our welcome (although I was doing my best to wear it out and that right soon). We'd been the only 3 dudes in a 4 bedroom apartment, so we were nervous about the 4th roommate. In fact, the annoying EQ president from a couple doors down had enquired about our spot. We had the gall (such jerks, us!) to give him "the talk", which was that we didn't want him to even think about signing the lease for the 4th spot. This coming from the same dudes who avoided "the talk" with any girl we were dating.
We naively thought that nobody would move in. But, alas, we came home one day and there was a scent, nay, stench in the air. Somebody's stuff was in the 4th room. We considered tossing the stuff out the door to send a message. Cooler heads prevailed.
It took a few days, but we eventually met him. He was about 5'9", stocky, and hairy as the day is long. This guy looked, walked, and smelled like a gorilla. We didn't notice the smell at first, but then after a few weeks we started to see clouds of green stench escaping through the cracks of his bedroom door. He never, ever, left his door open, so we were started to wonder how many crates of spoiled eggs and raw breasts of chicken he was keeping to create the stench. So we pulled our shirts over our noses and broke into his room. It was for the best.
Immediately, it was clear: these shirts weren't near enough protection. Sam donned a gas mask he bought from the Army Navy Surplus, and went inside, reporting to us through a hose like a deep sea diver. 1 pull meant more slack and 2 pulls meant to bring him back. He was in there for the better part of a minute, and we were sure we'd lost him. Jason was all but moving his stuff into Sam's room when Sam tugged sharply twice. Using all of our strength, we barely managed to get him out of there alive. We were expecting tales of dead bodies, dog excrement, or rotting brains, but instead we got:
"Nothing. There's nothing in there!"
It was true. Just heaps of clothes, books, and other miscellaneous stuff you'd find in a typical college guy's room. How could ordinary stuff smell so bad? He even had a scented candle in there to try and mask the odor. It just made it worse, like cherry BO.
The one redeeming thing about Radiohead was that he had 15 bottles of cologne. I'm not kidding. Sure, I made up a few things in the past few paragraphs, but he really did have around 15 bottles of cologne. I shared a bathroom with him, and he just left them all right there on the sink. There was barely enough room for my toothbrush and toothpaste. We'd all use a few samples of his cologne now and again, but the worst abuser of Radiohead's cologne was Sam. I think he even just stole a couple of the bottles outright. Don't try to deny it, Sam.
That year, Jason and I were on an intramural team. We were in the living room trying to create a dream team of guys that weren't so good that would make us look bad, but not so bad as to make us look REALLY bad. We wanted to have 7 players, but only came up with 6. Then Radiohead came in. Sam asked with a plotting smile if Radiohead liked to play basketball. The reply: "Why, yes, I love basketball!" Then Sam, his evil smile cornering up in his cheeks like the Grinch, said, "Kent and Jason need 1 more player, you should play on their team!" Of course, we had no other option but to allow him on our team. We'd kill Sam later.
However, it didn't turn out to be so bad. Radiohead was a hustler, knew his place, played good D, and got a few rebounds. When he turned his ankle in the tournament, we found that we actually missed him. We made the Final 4 that year, but lost badly to a team of 10 players. We only had 6 players, and had played 6 games in 6 days.
The best Radiohead story was the Donut Incident. Every Monday, Jason, Sam, and I would go to Macey's for our weekly grocery shopping. We'd buy the same crap every college dude buys: frozen burrito's, candy, milk, cookies, and, if we were feeling rich, hamburger helper. I also would treat myself to a few fresh donuts from the bakery, as Macey's donuts are delicious. We went home, and I left my remaining donuts on the table, leaving them for the next day.
The next morning, the donuts were gone. I asked Sam and Jason if they ate my donuts, but they didn't. I didn't believe them at first, but they swore on their future wives' future graves, so I had to. I just couldn't imagine why Radiohead would just take my donuts without asking. When Radiohead got home, I asked him if he saw some donuts on the table, and he said he did, and ate them, because, he said, "It didn't look like anybody was going to eat them." I told him they were my donuts, and I was planning on eating them the next day.
Fast forward a few days. I come home and Radiohead approaches me with a box of Krispy Kreme donuts. He told me the donuts were for me, and that he was sorry for taking my donuts. Apology accepted! I put the donuts down on the table and went to bed, dreaming of eating donuts the next morning for breakfast.
You know the rest. The next morning, the donuts were gone. I asked Jason and Sam if they stole them. They had to swear on their future children's future graves to get me to believe that they hadn't eaten my donuts. I mean, it had to be them, right? Why would Radiohead get me donuts to make up for the stolen donuts, and then eat them again? When I asked Radiohead if he knew what happened to his gift donuts, he confessed that "it didn't look like you wanted them" and had eaten them. Classic Radiohead!
Once, we were just chilling in the living room, watching the tube, when Radiohead came home and parked himself on the loveseat. Within minutes the whole room started to smell foul, like the inside of a hobo's kneebrace. We started to blame each other for the stench, thinking that someone had cut the cheese, but the smell did NOT go away. When Sam had enough of the odor, he walked out of the room, passing near to Radiohead. When he was out of Radiohead's view, he waved to us, pointed to Radiohead's feet, and plugged his nose. It turned out that Radiohead had kicked off his shoes when he sat down, and the smell fouled up the whole room. Now we knew the reason for his smelly bedroom.
I always felt sorry for Radiohead, but couldn't stomach his stench long enough to do anything about it. You can judge all you want, but I don't think you would've done any more than we did.
4. Matt
When I moved into the hole in Somerville (just outside Boston) in November of aught-5, I moved in with a former roommate, Lane, and a new guy, Matt. Both were Mormons. Because Mormons liked to live with other Mormons in the singles scene in Boston, the places were usually dumps. Plus, most of the places in the city were 200-years old and dumpy anyway. But they had lots of character!
Matt was a super nice guy. But he was really effeminate and weird, and just awkward in general. Matt wasn't a bad roommate, per se, he was clean, organized, and didn't smell weird. But he always wanted to be involved, and talk and stuff. I liked my privacy and my peace and quiet. I'd be watching a football game and Matt would come in and sit down and try to talk football with me. You know those conversations with people who don't really know much about sports? It was like that. Someone would make a nice play, and he'd say "Great action!" or something weird like that. He didn't really understand the concept of downs and yards to go, and it was just annoying. "Go team! Make a goal unit!"
The funny thing was that I didn't mind when Lane watched football with me, but Matt just made it awkward. Once, he bought cheese dip and tortillas to watch "the big game" with us. He then would make comments like, "Yup, just sitting here, watching the game with my boys." Who SAYS that? It must have been the first and only time he was doing that, and he was fulfilling a lifelong dream.
You readers are probably judging me and saying things like "C'mon, Kent, he was just trying to be nice." Which is true. But when you have to live with a dude and he's ALWAYS trying to establish some sort of relationship with you, it starts to wear on you. If he talked to me about stuff that he knew about, like music, which he did at times, then I wouldn't find it annoying.
The absolute worst thing about Matt was that he came into the bathroom while I was in the shower. Our bathroom door didn't even close all the way, so there was no way I could lock him out. But almost every morning, he'd come in and do his hair while I was showering. It wouldn't have been so bad if he would've just did it and got out, but he liked to try to have conversations with me. I'm not much for talking in the morning, and I certainly didn't want to talk to my effeminate, annoying roommate through the shower curtain. This drove me absolutely bonkers.
Matt had a huge crush on our Bishop. He'd come home from church and just talk about him for hours. Matt just loved church in general. Once I came home from church, and he was already at home, watching General Conference DVDs on the couch. "Can't get enough church?" I'd snicker, and then go to my room, wondering if I was a bad person for not watching it with him. I concluded that I wasn't, but my snide remarks were certainly not helping. On the flip side, his spirituality was getting in the way of my football viewing!
Another time, I missed church because I was super tired and slept in. When Matt came home from church, I was on the couch playing Civilization IV, which he himself played. He then sent me an email about a Civilization Addiction group that I could get involved with. I'm not gonna lie, it was nice that he cared.
Matt also had a huge crush on Lane, similar to George Constanza and tough guy Tony. He went everywhere with Lane, made meals for him, etc. One Saturday in late October, I came home in the evening and Lane and Matt greeted me in the doorway. Matt asked me in a super-excited tone if I wanted to hang out with them that night. I asked what they were doing, and Lane shrugged his shoulders. Then, Matt suggested giddily, "We could go skinny-dipping in Walden Pond!" Lane rolled his eyes, and Matt whined, "Well, we gotta do SOMETHING!" Skinny-dipping with my effeminate roommate did not sound like a good time, so I said I was tired and went to my room. Poor Lane.
All in all, Matt is a great guy and genuinely cared about me, which is saying something because I pretty much ignored him. He moved out of our place that summer and into a pad in Cambridge with 3 other like-minded Mormons, and I'm sure he loved it. I thought I might get a cool replacement. Nope.
5. Christian
Christian was a former tight end for George Washington University. He was a big guy, super nice, and super old. And by super old, I mean 31, which, in Mormon Single Years, is practically dead (no offense, Brian!). He moved into our Somerville apartment for my second year, and I was relieved to not have to live with Matt anymore. Be careful what you wish for.
Christian was much worse than Matt. He was a complete slob. He filled up the freezer with his frozen foods, and then filled up the garbage can with the packaging from the frozen foods. He never did his dishes, never took out the trash, never did any cleaning of the communal areas, like the bathroom or the kitchen. I can't tell you how gross our bathroom was.
After a few months of taking out the trash every week, which was mostly full of his crap, I asked him to take out the trash. Which he did, right away. Then the next weeks I and our other roommate, Chris, took out the trash. It was then his turn again, so I decided to see if he would do it without me asking him. I wanted to see how overflowing the trash would get. That was a bad idea. Christian called my bluff and completely ignored the fact that it was heaping over. He started putting boxes next to the trash to put his garbage in it. I finally gave in and took out the trash. From then on, I just asked him to do it every few weeks, like I was his mother. If you remember back to your roommate days, asking a roommate who you barely talk with to do anything in the way of chores is extremely awkward. I hated doing it, so after a while, I just took out the trash for him.
Christian set his alarm for early in the AM, like 6 or something. He hit the snooze a few times, which didn't bother me because I was in the other room. What bothered me was that he would hit snooze and jump in the shower, or hit snooze and leave altogether. That resulted in me spending 10 minutes trying to sleep through the sound of an alarm in the next room, and then finally getting up to turn it off. I debated chucking the clock out the window.
Christian found out that we played basketball at the church every week, so he decided to come join us. He was really good and really big. About 6'4 and 225 pounds, he was much bigger than us regular-sized chumps. Sometimes I would have to guard him, and the guy would play NBA-style against me, using his body to dominate me and back me down in the post. I would employ the hack-a-Shaq defense and just foul him as hard as I could. He'd get so mad at me, once he even threw the ball at me. I didn't particularly blame him, because I was fouling him pretty badly. However, what am I supposed to do? Let him score every time? Anytime I have a much smaller guy defending me, I don't go straight to the post and push him around. There are unwritten rules of pick-up basketball, and one of them is that you don't push around the smaller guys. You also don't swat the shots of the 12-year olds that you need to get enough people. You also don't draw charges, And you need to shoot lots of threes.
6. The Dude (can't remember his name)
Both Christian and Chris sublet their rooms for the summer, starting in late May. I got married on June 21, so I only lived with this guy for 3 weeks, but it was enough to make it into my worst roommate list. The guy kept to himself, kept the place clean, and was pretty much ideal except for 1 very large problem: he smoked pot. All the time. He tried to keep it in his room, but it pretty much made the whole apartment smell. I didn't have to deal with it for very long, but it made every minute in the apartment a whole lot worse.
When the subletters moved out of the place at the end of the summer, I had to go back and clean the entire place. I asked for 75 bucks a piece from Chris and Christian to do the cleaning. I would've hired a cleaning service, but they don't remove junk. I ended up moving 15 bags of trash out of that place, and worked all day on it. And then I went home and told Melanie how glad that she was my roommate now. We've lived together for almost 4 years now, and she hasn't annoyed me once!
Friday, March 25, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Fave TV shows
Okay, I'll say it: I watch a lot of TV. Judge all you want. It's cheap entertainment, and I love nothing more after work than crashing on the couch and watching some brainless tube. I've never been a reader, because it makes me so tired. If I got home from work at 7 and read a book, I'd go to sleep every night at 7:30. Here are my favorite comedies and dramas, and then least favorite shows, because I love ranking things and you love to read my rankings.
Top Comedies
1. Parks & Rec - Ron Swanson catapults this show to a whole different level. Everything he does is hilarious. Like The Office, the main character (Amy Poehler) is the least interesting/funny. By the same creators of The Office, I had high hopes for this show from the very beginning, knowing that there was a large chance it would be better than The Office, since they weren't encumbered with an inherited story.
2. Community - Every week I flip-flop between Community and Parks & Rec, I love them both so much. Community has the most clever writing, on parallel with #3 on this list, but funnier. I also have a crush on Annie.
3. How I Met Yer Ma - Despite its laughtrack, I've really found myself looking forward to this show. It's very well-written and clever. My favorite character is Robin. She's hilarious.
4. The Office - I can't wait until Michael leaves the show. The cringe factor is way too high when the story focuses on him, which it does most of the time. I think the most comedic potential lies in Andy, Dwight, and Darryl, which is why the episode at the Roller Skating Rink was so hilarious.
5. Big Bang Theory - At times predictable, but the dorks just found a place in my heart. It's always entertaining.
6. 30 Rock - Let's just admit that it's gotten pretty stale. Most episodes I chuckle a few times, tops. Rarely a moment where I have to rewind because I'm laughing too hard to hear the next joke.
7. Rules of Engagement - The first season was great, but now it's fairly predictable. However, Putty is worth the price of admission.
8. Modern Family - I find this more entertaining than ha-ha funny. It's a tad overrated, but overall, a good show
9. Cougar Town - I didn't think I'd like this show, but it's got a lot of "Scrubs" in it, with the same creator and all. Like #1 and #4 on the list, the main character isn't what makes the show good, it's the supporting cast.
10. I felt bad leaving "Cougar Town" last on the list, as if I barely like it enough to make the list, so I'm just putting a blank number 10 to represent all of the other shows that are too crappy to DVR. If I DVR a show, it means I like it. How much I like it depends on how fast I choose to watch it after it's been recorded.
Top Dramas
I love serial dramas, you know, the shows that don't end each week with a nice pretty bow on it and nothing changes from week to week. I like stories that require 15 episodes to tell. I like the character development that's required, and the writing that goes along with it. That's why I can't get into shows like "Monk" or "White Collar" or anything on USA, really. Sure, they're entertaining for a few episodes, but then they all kind of blur together after a while.
1. Friday Night Lights - This was a great show. Most fans were sad to see it go, but I thought it was the right time. The best season was season 4, when East Dillon won only one game, but against their cross-town rivals. Season 5, the last one, was pretty good, but I think if they tried to continue the series it would've just gotten stale and repetitive. It enabled the show to have a perfect ending, which it did. I think good shows know when to call it quits. Unfortch, The Simpsons just don't know the meaning of the word.
2. Justified - I've always loved One Man Against Everybody shows. Die Hard, Blade, Payback - those are some of the great OMAE movies. I remember secretly watching Die Hard 2 in the dining room on our 13" TV while my parents read newspapers in the next room, volume set to 1/16 of an inch above mute, my hand holding the power cord in case I heard footsteps, because the power button didn't work. I loved how Bruce Willis saved the airport from the terrorists, then put them on a plane that he blew up as it took off. "Yippee Kaiyay, Mister Falcon" is what the TV-edited version said as the plane blew up. Coolest. Movie. Ever. Especially for an entertainment-starved adolescent. I went downstairs immediately and made up Die Hard scenarios with my Chuck Norris action figure against 50 bad guys. Yes, I was too old for it. So what?
Well, Justified is a great OMAE show. I would even consider putting it above FNL if there was more than one season of it. The first season had an awesome pilot, then the next couple of episodes didn't really follow a serial arc, so I lost a bit of interest. Then the last 6 or so episodes did, and it involved a lot of Timothy Olyphant being awesome and killing bad dudes and being awesome some more, so I was hooked. I hope Season 2 has another serial arc as well-written and intense as the first one.
3. Mad Men - I didn't much care for the last season, but the character development is so well-done that Mad Men just never fails to rope me in. I keep wishing for Don to make good decisions, however, but he never does. I guess that's not "who he is". May we all learn from Don Draper's mistakes. Plus, he's such an awesome businessman, it's fun to watch.
4. Breaking Bad - This show just makes me nervous. I watch each episode scared, not because it's a horror, but because it's so intense. Will Walt get away with it? Will Jesse do what's right? Will they evade the super bad guys of the drug cartel? Nervousness!
5. Lights Out - This is a new show with an intriguing serial arc. It always takes a few shows to build the story in these types of shows, which is why they fail to sell to the masses: America doesn't have the patience to wait for a story to develop. However, I've committed to the show after the 4th episode, which featured the main dude having to beat an MMA fighter to save his brother's life. This isn't a show about boxing, just like FNL isn't a show about football. I don't even like boxing.
6. House - I haven't really been watching this, I only like to see how the characters' stories progress. I can't stand the premise, every episode is exactly the same: Guy has a weird disease. They think it's lupus. Then something crazy happens. So now they think it's hepatitis. Then something TOTALLY crazy happens. Then House figures it out and that's that. It's only entertaining because House is a jerk and the acting is good. Plus, I needed to have something here so that "Lights Out" wasn't last.
Most Hated Shows
1. American Idol - I fail to understand the appeal for more than 1 or 2 seasons. What's the difference between this and karaoke? I've watched it a few times and was bored out of my mind.
2. Glee - I decided to watch a full episode so I could say I hated it with more of a foundation than "I hate it cause it looks stupid." Turns out I didn't need more of a foundation, the show was just as stupid as it looked. And they call it a comedy? Unintentional, maybe. I guess it's just not my thang.
3. Any CSI or CBS crime drama - I watched a few CSI's with Mel at the beginning, then realized they were all the same. I guess I don't understand why people are fascinated with the same exact plot every week: Gruesome murder, find a ridiculously impossible clue, chase a few leads, find the right sicko, then catch him in a dramatic ending. I guess old people like this trash, reminds them of the good ol' days and makes them paranoid.
4. Any competitive cooking show. I didn't mind them at the beginning, but Mel loves them so I just got really sick of them and those stupid British judges. What is the deal with the need to have a British judge? I just hate all the judges. I'd like to see the judges compete for a show or 2 and have the contestants judge them. Like has Simon Cowell ever sang in front of an audience?
5. Any competitive reality show with judges, really. And the more dancing/show tunes/celebrities are involved, the more I hate it. Women try to make the same argument about sports, but, come on, sports are so much less contrived than this garbage. I don't even watch figure skating or gymnastics in the Olympics, because I don't like sports that require judging.
6. Private Practice and "Grey's" - Mel loves these shows, but they are just too ridiculously over the top for me. People getting married/divorced every other episode. Crazy weird hospital drama with more weird medical emergencies in a season than a regular hospital would see in 20 years. Psychos with ridiculous emotional problems and unbelievable back stories. I can stomach these shows for a season or 2, but no more. I force Mel to watch them on her computer, because we have other shows on Thursday nights to record.
So those shows are pretty much how I spend my weeknights. When none of the above shows have new episodes, I watch "House Hunters", "Entourage", or "Curb Your Enthusiasm". And let's not forget the plethora of kids' shows when Hendrik gets his TV time, but that's a whole other post.
Top Comedies
1. Parks & Rec - Ron Swanson catapults this show to a whole different level. Everything he does is hilarious. Like The Office, the main character (Amy Poehler) is the least interesting/funny. By the same creators of The Office, I had high hopes for this show from the very beginning, knowing that there was a large chance it would be better than The Office, since they weren't encumbered with an inherited story.
2. Community - Every week I flip-flop between Community and Parks & Rec, I love them both so much. Community has the most clever writing, on parallel with #3 on this list, but funnier. I also have a crush on Annie.
3. How I Met Yer Ma - Despite its laughtrack, I've really found myself looking forward to this show. It's very well-written and clever. My favorite character is Robin. She's hilarious.
4. The Office - I can't wait until Michael leaves the show. The cringe factor is way too high when the story focuses on him, which it does most of the time. I think the most comedic potential lies in Andy, Dwight, and Darryl, which is why the episode at the Roller Skating Rink was so hilarious.
5. Big Bang Theory - At times predictable, but the dorks just found a place in my heart. It's always entertaining.
6. 30 Rock - Let's just admit that it's gotten pretty stale. Most episodes I chuckle a few times, tops. Rarely a moment where I have to rewind because I'm laughing too hard to hear the next joke.
7. Rules of Engagement - The first season was great, but now it's fairly predictable. However, Putty is worth the price of admission.
8. Modern Family - I find this more entertaining than ha-ha funny. It's a tad overrated, but overall, a good show
9. Cougar Town - I didn't think I'd like this show, but it's got a lot of "Scrubs" in it, with the same creator and all. Like #1 and #4 on the list, the main character isn't what makes the show good, it's the supporting cast.
10. I felt bad leaving "Cougar Town" last on the list, as if I barely like it enough to make the list, so I'm just putting a blank number 10 to represent all of the other shows that are too crappy to DVR. If I DVR a show, it means I like it. How much I like it depends on how fast I choose to watch it after it's been recorded.
Top Dramas
I love serial dramas, you know, the shows that don't end each week with a nice pretty bow on it and nothing changes from week to week. I like stories that require 15 episodes to tell. I like the character development that's required, and the writing that goes along with it. That's why I can't get into shows like "Monk" or "White Collar" or anything on USA, really. Sure, they're entertaining for a few episodes, but then they all kind of blur together after a while.
1. Friday Night Lights - This was a great show. Most fans were sad to see it go, but I thought it was the right time. The best season was season 4, when East Dillon won only one game, but against their cross-town rivals. Season 5, the last one, was pretty good, but I think if they tried to continue the series it would've just gotten stale and repetitive. It enabled the show to have a perfect ending, which it did. I think good shows know when to call it quits. Unfortch, The Simpsons just don't know the meaning of the word.
2. Justified - I've always loved One Man Against Everybody shows. Die Hard, Blade, Payback - those are some of the great OMAE movies. I remember secretly watching Die Hard 2 in the dining room on our 13" TV while my parents read newspapers in the next room, volume set to 1/16 of an inch above mute, my hand holding the power cord in case I heard footsteps, because the power button didn't work. I loved how Bruce Willis saved the airport from the terrorists, then put them on a plane that he blew up as it took off. "Yippee Kaiyay, Mister Falcon" is what the TV-edited version said as the plane blew up. Coolest. Movie. Ever. Especially for an entertainment-starved adolescent. I went downstairs immediately and made up Die Hard scenarios with my Chuck Norris action figure against 50 bad guys. Yes, I was too old for it. So what?
Well, Justified is a great OMAE show. I would even consider putting it above FNL if there was more than one season of it. The first season had an awesome pilot, then the next couple of episodes didn't really follow a serial arc, so I lost a bit of interest. Then the last 6 or so episodes did, and it involved a lot of Timothy Olyphant being awesome and killing bad dudes and being awesome some more, so I was hooked. I hope Season 2 has another serial arc as well-written and intense as the first one.
3. Mad Men - I didn't much care for the last season, but the character development is so well-done that Mad Men just never fails to rope me in. I keep wishing for Don to make good decisions, however, but he never does. I guess that's not "who he is". May we all learn from Don Draper's mistakes. Plus, he's such an awesome businessman, it's fun to watch.
4. Breaking Bad - This show just makes me nervous. I watch each episode scared, not because it's a horror, but because it's so intense. Will Walt get away with it? Will Jesse do what's right? Will they evade the super bad guys of the drug cartel? Nervousness!
5. Lights Out - This is a new show with an intriguing serial arc. It always takes a few shows to build the story in these types of shows, which is why they fail to sell to the masses: America doesn't have the patience to wait for a story to develop. However, I've committed to the show after the 4th episode, which featured the main dude having to beat an MMA fighter to save his brother's life. This isn't a show about boxing, just like FNL isn't a show about football. I don't even like boxing.
6. House - I haven't really been watching this, I only like to see how the characters' stories progress. I can't stand the premise, every episode is exactly the same: Guy has a weird disease. They think it's lupus. Then something crazy happens. So now they think it's hepatitis. Then something TOTALLY crazy happens. Then House figures it out and that's that. It's only entertaining because House is a jerk and the acting is good. Plus, I needed to have something here so that "Lights Out" wasn't last.
Most Hated Shows
1. American Idol - I fail to understand the appeal for more than 1 or 2 seasons. What's the difference between this and karaoke? I've watched it a few times and was bored out of my mind.
2. Glee - I decided to watch a full episode so I could say I hated it with more of a foundation than "I hate it cause it looks stupid." Turns out I didn't need more of a foundation, the show was just as stupid as it looked. And they call it a comedy? Unintentional, maybe. I guess it's just not my thang.
3. Any CSI or CBS crime drama - I watched a few CSI's with Mel at the beginning, then realized they were all the same. I guess I don't understand why people are fascinated with the same exact plot every week: Gruesome murder, find a ridiculously impossible clue, chase a few leads, find the right sicko, then catch him in a dramatic ending. I guess old people like this trash, reminds them of the good ol' days and makes them paranoid.
4. Any competitive cooking show. I didn't mind them at the beginning, but Mel loves them so I just got really sick of them and those stupid British judges. What is the deal with the need to have a British judge? I just hate all the judges. I'd like to see the judges compete for a show or 2 and have the contestants judge them. Like has Simon Cowell ever sang in front of an audience?
5. Any competitive reality show with judges, really. And the more dancing/show tunes/celebrities are involved, the more I hate it. Women try to make the same argument about sports, but, come on, sports are so much less contrived than this garbage. I don't even watch figure skating or gymnastics in the Olympics, because I don't like sports that require judging.
6. Private Practice and "Grey's" - Mel loves these shows, but they are just too ridiculously over the top for me. People getting married/divorced every other episode. Crazy weird hospital drama with more weird medical emergencies in a season than a regular hospital would see in 20 years. Psychos with ridiculous emotional problems and unbelievable back stories. I can stomach these shows for a season or 2, but no more. I force Mel to watch them on her computer, because we have other shows on Thursday nights to record.
So those shows are pretty much how I spend my weeknights. When none of the above shows have new episodes, I watch "House Hunters", "Entourage", or "Curb Your Enthusiasm". And let's not forget the plethora of kids' shows when Hendrik gets his TV time, but that's a whole other post.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Ode to the train
One of the things I love about living near Boston is that I get to ride the train as my commute. Since I've lived here, I've taken everything except a boat to work:
1. Car - When I lived in Somerville and Allston (only a couple miles outside Boston), I drove in. Parking was about 10 bucks a day and the walk from the lot was about 15 minutes. The actual door-to-door time was betwixt 30 and 40 minutes.
2. Bike - I gave the bike a try in Somerville. It was about 15-20 minutes in, mostly downhill, but 30 minutes back, mostly uphill. The problem with this was the shower schedule. I arrived sweaty and puddly (you know, from being splashed or doing the splashing of puddles), so I had to shower in the "shower room", which was on the 10th floor of my building. It was this tiny closet of a room, across the hall from an audit room, so walking from my desk on the 6th floor to the 10th in dirty shorts and a stinky shirt got a little too embarrassing for me. Also, the uphill ride after a tiring day at work was not ideal so I gave that up after a couple of months.
3. T train - I rode this for a year after we got married when we lived in Melrose. This took about 35 minutes door to door usually, but in some cases it took 90 minutes. There are 2 types of T trains in Boston:
a. T train (regular) - These are subway trains, but really old. These are always packed with commuters, but there are enough weirdos and hippies and other smelly people from Cambridge to ruin the ride. You only need a couple of the riffraff to spoil an otherwise mediocre ride. Also, if you get a seat, the ride is 10 times better, but of course, you can't get a seat without mowing down some old people first, ala George Constanza running from a fire. Another problem with the T is that the tracks and trains are so old and inefficient that almost every day there's a "disabled" train, which means that every train in the city has to sit in place for about an hour, which turns passengers as claustrophobic as Elaine Benes (continuing with our Seinfeld theme). There is nothing worse than this. Once, to avoid standing indefinitely on the train, I ended up walking 5 miles home. Even though it took much longer than waiting for the train, I didn't regret it.
b. T train (Green Line) - They pretend this is a train, but it's really just a tram that goes underground. This insufferable line only goes underground in downtown, but then it goes above ground and that's when it gets bad. Stops are about every block, and it has to wait for traffic lights, and really isn't much better than a bus. These get unbearably packed during rush hour and it pretty much takes 45 minutes to go about 5 miles. I've never had to ride this on a daily basis, but I've ridden it enough to despise its very existence.
4. Bus - The all-time worst form of public transportation. They seem to have stops every 100 feet, I always get sick on them, and the smelly-to-normal ratio is dangerously high. They are never on time, unless of course you're late by a couple of minutes. I only did this for a little while in Somerville, taking the bus to catch the Red Line in, but I hated it. It added 30 minutes to my commute and only cost 4 dollars less than parking.
5. Commuter Rail - The topic of the post! I've been riding this for almost 3 years, and I didn't like it as much at first, but I've really grown to love it.
a. It's much better than driving because you can read, write blog posts, sleep, or do work on the train. Also, the door-to-door is around 55 minutes, and driving alone is about 70-90 minutes, and carpooling it's 60-70 minutes. It costs 6.25 each way, so 12.50 a day, which is about what gas and parking cost. The only plus to driving is the flexibility of leaving whenever you want, but if you have to deal with rush hour traffic, it's no comparison.
b. It's also much better than the T, which isn't an option anyway where we live, but I would gladly give up the 20 minutes each way for the comfort of the commuter rail. Not only do I always get a seat, sometimes I get my own BENCH. On the commuter train, there's a 3-seat bench on one side, and 2 seaters on the other.
Depending on the train I take, I have a strategy for each day. See, you can't sit in the 2-seaters on a busy day because there's a high chance that someone will scootch on in and you'll be touching rumps for the better part of an hour. But sitting in a 2-seater by yourself is better than sharing one end of a 3-seater (aisle or window), because you have more privacy, and you don't have to worry about accidentally putting your foot on their bag or something. Of course, the most desirable spot is getting a 3-seater all to yourself because then you can lie down and take a nap much easier. The absolute worst is when the train is so crowded you have 3 people on a 3-seater, and then it just feels like a clown car.
On the Monday morning train, I sit on one end of the 3-seater, preferably the window seat, because sitting in a 2-seater is too risky, I'll probably have to share it when more people get on. Tuesday through Thursday I get a 2-seater, and then on Friday I take a 3-seater in the middle of the train because the chances of getting it to myself are high. Coming home on the 5:38 is always a tough choice: Do I risk sharing a 2-seater and go with the guaranteed space of one side of a 3-seater, or do I go for the glory and get my own 2-seater? Usually, I go for the 3-seater, because sharing a 2-seater is just too risky. Coming home on the 6:20 and later is usually a pretty good chance I'll get my own 3-seater, so that's always nice. Except today, we got the oldest train available, I'm pretty sure I saw the conductor come by with a wheel full of coal. Usually we have double-decker trains, but not this train. Single deckers are the worst! Loud, uncomfortable, and crowded. There is no redeeming quality about single decker cars.
c. The train is obviously much better than the bus, if for the sole reason that it's so smooth. You can read books without getting sick and there's rarely a smelly person on. Sometimes, however, someone gets on with a meal they bought at South Station, and the whole train smells like fatty food. This is torture for a hungry person coming home on the 7:30 train. I'd almost rather sit next to Mr. Urine, the guy who rides the bus all day while mumbling to himself.
d. One of my favorite things about the train is that we don't have to buy a 2nd car. Sure, sometimes it's inconvenient that we only have 1 car, but, more often than not it works to our advantage: "I'd love to go to that superfluous church meeting on a Saturday, but Melanie needs the car then." Brilliant!
All things considered, I'd much rather have a 10 minute commute to work like my dad does (or a 0 minute commute like my mom), but this is where my job is and so I figure I'll make the best of it. Since most of you don't ride a train every day, I wanted you to get a taste of the train commuter.
1. Car - When I lived in Somerville and Allston (only a couple miles outside Boston), I drove in. Parking was about 10 bucks a day and the walk from the lot was about 15 minutes. The actual door-to-door time was betwixt 30 and 40 minutes.
2. Bike - I gave the bike a try in Somerville. It was about 15-20 minutes in, mostly downhill, but 30 minutes back, mostly uphill. The problem with this was the shower schedule. I arrived sweaty and puddly (you know, from being splashed or doing the splashing of puddles), so I had to shower in the "shower room", which was on the 10th floor of my building. It was this tiny closet of a room, across the hall from an audit room, so walking from my desk on the 6th floor to the 10th in dirty shorts and a stinky shirt got a little too embarrassing for me. Also, the uphill ride after a tiring day at work was not ideal so I gave that up after a couple of months.
3. T train - I rode this for a year after we got married when we lived in Melrose. This took about 35 minutes door to door usually, but in some cases it took 90 minutes. There are 2 types of T trains in Boston:
a. T train (regular) - These are subway trains, but really old. These are always packed with commuters, but there are enough weirdos and hippies and other smelly people from Cambridge to ruin the ride. You only need a couple of the riffraff to spoil an otherwise mediocre ride. Also, if you get a seat, the ride is 10 times better, but of course, you can't get a seat without mowing down some old people first, ala George Constanza running from a fire. Another problem with the T is that the tracks and trains are so old and inefficient that almost every day there's a "disabled" train, which means that every train in the city has to sit in place for about an hour, which turns passengers as claustrophobic as Elaine Benes (continuing with our Seinfeld theme). There is nothing worse than this. Once, to avoid standing indefinitely on the train, I ended up walking 5 miles home. Even though it took much longer than waiting for the train, I didn't regret it.
b. T train (Green Line) - They pretend this is a train, but it's really just a tram that goes underground. This insufferable line only goes underground in downtown, but then it goes above ground and that's when it gets bad. Stops are about every block, and it has to wait for traffic lights, and really isn't much better than a bus. These get unbearably packed during rush hour and it pretty much takes 45 minutes to go about 5 miles. I've never had to ride this on a daily basis, but I've ridden it enough to despise its very existence.
4. Bus - The all-time worst form of public transportation. They seem to have stops every 100 feet, I always get sick on them, and the smelly-to-normal ratio is dangerously high. They are never on time, unless of course you're late by a couple of minutes. I only did this for a little while in Somerville, taking the bus to catch the Red Line in, but I hated it. It added 30 minutes to my commute and only cost 4 dollars less than parking.
5. Commuter Rail - The topic of the post! I've been riding this for almost 3 years, and I didn't like it as much at first, but I've really grown to love it.
a. It's much better than driving because you can read, write blog posts, sleep, or do work on the train. Also, the door-to-door is around 55 minutes, and driving alone is about 70-90 minutes, and carpooling it's 60-70 minutes. It costs 6.25 each way, so 12.50 a day, which is about what gas and parking cost. The only plus to driving is the flexibility of leaving whenever you want, but if you have to deal with rush hour traffic, it's no comparison.
b. It's also much better than the T, which isn't an option anyway where we live, but I would gladly give up the 20 minutes each way for the comfort of the commuter rail. Not only do I always get a seat, sometimes I get my own BENCH. On the commuter train, there's a 3-seat bench on one side, and 2 seaters on the other.
Depending on the train I take, I have a strategy for each day. See, you can't sit in the 2-seaters on a busy day because there's a high chance that someone will scootch on in and you'll be touching rumps for the better part of an hour. But sitting in a 2-seater by yourself is better than sharing one end of a 3-seater (aisle or window), because you have more privacy, and you don't have to worry about accidentally putting your foot on their bag or something. Of course, the most desirable spot is getting a 3-seater all to yourself because then you can lie down and take a nap much easier. The absolute worst is when the train is so crowded you have 3 people on a 3-seater, and then it just feels like a clown car.
On the Monday morning train, I sit on one end of the 3-seater, preferably the window seat, because sitting in a 2-seater is too risky, I'll probably have to share it when more people get on. Tuesday through Thursday I get a 2-seater, and then on Friday I take a 3-seater in the middle of the train because the chances of getting it to myself are high. Coming home on the 5:38 is always a tough choice: Do I risk sharing a 2-seater and go with the guaranteed space of one side of a 3-seater, or do I go for the glory and get my own 2-seater? Usually, I go for the 3-seater, because sharing a 2-seater is just too risky. Coming home on the 6:20 and later is usually a pretty good chance I'll get my own 3-seater, so that's always nice. Except today, we got the oldest train available, I'm pretty sure I saw the conductor come by with a wheel full of coal. Usually we have double-decker trains, but not this train. Single deckers are the worst! Loud, uncomfortable, and crowded. There is no redeeming quality about single decker cars.
c. The train is obviously much better than the bus, if for the sole reason that it's so smooth. You can read books without getting sick and there's rarely a smelly person on. Sometimes, however, someone gets on with a meal they bought at South Station, and the whole train smells like fatty food. This is torture for a hungry person coming home on the 7:30 train. I'd almost rather sit next to Mr. Urine, the guy who rides the bus all day while mumbling to himself.
d. One of my favorite things about the train is that we don't have to buy a 2nd car. Sure, sometimes it's inconvenient that we only have 1 car, but, more often than not it works to our advantage: "I'd love to go to that superfluous church meeting on a Saturday, but Melanie needs the car then." Brilliant!
All things considered, I'd much rather have a 10 minute commute to work like my dad does (or a 0 minute commute like my mom), but this is where my job is and so I figure I'll make the best of it. Since most of you don't ride a train every day, I wanted you to get a taste of the train commuter.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Annual BCS bashing
I was going to harp on all the big sports media outlets for not really stepping up and calling out the cruddiness of the BCS, but in November, SI came out with an expose that was well-written and boisterously against the BCS, so I couldn't complain.
However, I still feel like I owe Kurt my annual post about my/our hatred of the BCS. This year is the year that the BCS looks the best, because it's clearly no argument that Oregon and Auburn are the best teams, as they are the only 2 undefeated teams. Well, except TCU, but they're from a crappy conference and we all know that teams from crappy conferences, no matter how good that particular team is, can never beat the best teams from the BCS conferences:
2008: #7 Utah 31, #4 Alabama 17
2006: #9 Boise St 43, #7 Oklahoma 42
Clearly TCU wouldn't stand a chance against Auburn or Oregon, so let's just forget about it. When the Frogs beat Wisconsin by a couple of touchdowns, we'll know that there's no way that would've happened against Auburn or Oregon as well. So the BCS worked out perfectly this year. They got it right.
I have to give Mark Cuban major props for trying to get some change done the old-fashioned way. It's pretty easy to find BCS-haters nowadays. When I wrote my first post, I had to search and search for anti-BCS anything, and it was scarce and never from any main media outlets. Now all you have to do is a search on "BCS Bill Hancock" and you'll get pages of articles detailing the secrecy and hypocrisy of director Bill Hancock's work as directory and weak defenses of criticism.
Anyway, I have a lot of faith in Mark Cuban. A lot of people dislike him, I love him. I won't defend everything that he does or says, but I like his enthusiasm and determination to follow his own path despite the constant media mockery. And if he takes down the BCS with this current "business idea", then he'll be my hero. Of course, the meathead college football announcers at ESPN like Jesse Palmer mocked him, but that won't stop him. 95% of America wants a playoff, and by gum, we'll get our playoff before this century's done. The other 5% of America are old geezers who think these new plastic helmets are for wimps, Army is still a national power, and that FDR just barely died.
BCS Director Bill Hancock's main defense of the BCS focuses on its popularity. It's true, the BCS championship games get more viewers than most sports finales. However, it is not BECAUSE of the BCS that it gets so many viewers, it is in SPITE of the BCS. Football is America's sport, and we love it. We watch football because we like the strategy, the intensity, the battles of strength vs wit vs speed vs surprise. We love the deep pass, the big hit, the 4th-and-short, and the crushing block. We love football because we invented it. It's our baby, and soccer can get pretty tedious. College football exists in every corner of the land. You can pick your local team or your father's team or your enemy's rival team. We watch because we have to, it's in our blood. It's the only sport on during the dark, cold days of Christmas break, where we don't have work but also don't have anything to do. College football is a great product, and it might even surpass the popularity of the NFL if it had a playoff.
Pointing to its popularity as proof that "the system" works is like the producers of The Office attributing good ratings because of Michael Scott. This couldn't be further from the truth: people watch the show for all of the other characters and The Office's popularity is in spite of Michael Scott.
Let's also stop pretending that the main interest of the BCS is the student-athletes. If not for the millions of fans, college football would be like every other college sport, like volleyball. If only a handful of people cared about each game, then I guarantee there would be a playoff. The way Bill Hancock talks about it, the bowls just want the student-athletes to have a great time at their bowl game, and to heck with the fans.
Well, I'm going to keep it short this year. There are much better articles out there that skewer the BCS much better than I ever have, but for those of you who don't want to read them, just take my word for it: The BCS is evil. Secret combinations abound. Don't you stand for it, not for one second.
However, I still feel like I owe Kurt my annual post about my/our hatred of the BCS. This year is the year that the BCS looks the best, because it's clearly no argument that Oregon and Auburn are the best teams, as they are the only 2 undefeated teams. Well, except TCU, but they're from a crappy conference and we all know that teams from crappy conferences, no matter how good that particular team is, can never beat the best teams from the BCS conferences:
2008: #7 Utah 31, #4 Alabama 17
2006: #9 Boise St 43, #7 Oklahoma 42
Clearly TCU wouldn't stand a chance against Auburn or Oregon, so let's just forget about it. When the Frogs beat Wisconsin by a couple of touchdowns, we'll know that there's no way that would've happened against Auburn or Oregon as well. So the BCS worked out perfectly this year. They got it right.
I have to give Mark Cuban major props for trying to get some change done the old-fashioned way. It's pretty easy to find BCS-haters nowadays. When I wrote my first post, I had to search and search for anti-BCS anything, and it was scarce and never from any main media outlets. Now all you have to do is a search on "BCS Bill Hancock" and you'll get pages of articles detailing the secrecy and hypocrisy of director Bill Hancock's work as directory and weak defenses of criticism.
Anyway, I have a lot of faith in Mark Cuban. A lot of people dislike him, I love him. I won't defend everything that he does or says, but I like his enthusiasm and determination to follow his own path despite the constant media mockery. And if he takes down the BCS with this current "business idea", then he'll be my hero. Of course, the meathead college football announcers at ESPN like Jesse Palmer mocked him, but that won't stop him. 95% of America wants a playoff, and by gum, we'll get our playoff before this century's done. The other 5% of America are old geezers who think these new plastic helmets are for wimps, Army is still a national power, and that FDR just barely died.
BCS Director Bill Hancock's main defense of the BCS focuses on its popularity. It's true, the BCS championship games get more viewers than most sports finales. However, it is not BECAUSE of the BCS that it gets so many viewers, it is in SPITE of the BCS. Football is America's sport, and we love it. We watch football because we like the strategy, the intensity, the battles of strength vs wit vs speed vs surprise. We love the deep pass, the big hit, the 4th-and-short, and the crushing block. We love football because we invented it. It's our baby, and soccer can get pretty tedious. College football exists in every corner of the land. You can pick your local team or your father's team or your enemy's rival team. We watch because we have to, it's in our blood. It's the only sport on during the dark, cold days of Christmas break, where we don't have work but also don't have anything to do. College football is a great product, and it might even surpass the popularity of the NFL if it had a playoff.
Pointing to its popularity as proof that "the system" works is like the producers of The Office attributing good ratings because of Michael Scott. This couldn't be further from the truth: people watch the show for all of the other characters and The Office's popularity is in spite of Michael Scott.
Let's also stop pretending that the main interest of the BCS is the student-athletes. If not for the millions of fans, college football would be like every other college sport, like volleyball. If only a handful of people cared about each game, then I guarantee there would be a playoff. The way Bill Hancock talks about it, the bowls just want the student-athletes to have a great time at their bowl game, and to heck with the fans.
Well, I'm going to keep it short this year. There are much better articles out there that skewer the BCS much better than I ever have, but for those of you who don't want to read them, just take my word for it: The BCS is evil. Secret combinations abound. Don't you stand for it, not for one second.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
BYU Game Log
The Cougs are playing the Cougs tonight. The ol' BYU-Chicago St Cougar rivalry. I decided to write a blogpost about my 2 alma maters facing off because it was such a historic game. You don't remember me going to Chicago State? Well, Chicago State was one of the 2 schools that I graduated from "In Mine". Iowa State was the one I mentioned in my post last year, but Chicago State was another school I attended to turn around its pathetic program. We won 4 NCAA tournament championships, and I averaged 50 points a game.
Tonight's announcers: Dave McCann and Andy Toolson. Dave is my favorite announcer this side of Todd Christensen's hair, and Andy Toolson has been known to say things like "You have to really like Charles Abouo's body." Should be easy targets.
One of tonight's subplots: the budding rivalry between Davies, who started Game 1, and Hartsock, who started Game 2. The animosity between these 2 goes way deeper than race. I'm pretty sure they both dated the same girl over the summer.
There are 2 Collinsworths on the team, brothers. To avoid confusion, I'll just clump them into one person. In fact, I could probably combine all of the white players into one person except for Jimmer.
Jimmer opens the game with a deep 3! Dave says he's in range past the halfcourt line. I think this would offend Jimmer.
Hartsock clangs a baseline jumper off the side of the backboard. Davies taunts him from the sideline: "Nice shot, Mr. Bad Shot!" High fives all around.
Hartsock gets yanked after missing a 10 foot J. However, Davies doesn't come in, they put in the tremendously lurpy Anderson. A note about Anderson: He runs like a Yeti, like he's about to fall down every other step. I'm guessing the other Cougs have a hard time keeping straight faces while running suicides.
I love the commercials on BYUTV. There's only like 2, and they're all just pushing other programs on BYUTV. I'm pretty sure today's main audience isn't interested in "Scrapbooking Workshop".
Collinsworth with a 2-handed jam! Makes all of us white boys proud. "He's gone from knockin' on doors to knockin' down dunks!" says Dave. I have no idea what he's talking about.
I think it would be pretty great if these BYUTV broadcasts would openly preach. Since they don't have sponsors, they could have free throws and plays of the game brought to us by scriptures: "This free throw is brought to you by Helaman 5:12, which reminds all of us that it is upon the rock of Christ we much build our faith. Now let me tell you, Andy, I know for myself how true that scripture is, and I know that you can lead a fulfilling life by following those words of council." "I couldn't agree more, Dave, as it reminds me of when I was on my mission and..."
After a few Wet Willies and noogies, Coach Rose puts Zylstra in between Davies and Hartsock on the bench. Coach is this close from turning this car around right now, Mister.
Jimmer nails another 3, 22-6 for the Cougs! Melanie lets her opinion be known: "Jimmer is the stupidest name." A weekly tradition!
Jimmer already with 12 points, 4-4 FG, 3-3 3P with 12 minutes left. He's already thinking 100 points. Toolson talks about his great passing. Jimmer leads the NCAA in "begrudging assists".
Dave calls CSU "the visiting Cougars" and "the Green Cougars". I think he's out of adjectives.
BYU goes to a zone. Is it fair to call any defensive scheme "racist"? I guess any man-to-man defense against BYU is probably racist.
Announcers discussing the lack of diversity on CSU, as almost the whole team is from Chicago. What about that white guy they got from Orem, Utah, a few years back who led them to 4 championships in a row? What about that diversity?
Davies comes in finally. Hartsock hurls insults from the sideline. This is getting ugly.
CSU throws up an airball from downtown. About 2 jerks from the student section chant "Airball! Airball!" for 5 seconds before they realize we're up 34-13.
Davies get hammered inside by 3 CSU big guys. Hartsock seen cheering wildly from the sideline.
Dave previews the upcoming broadcasts on BYUTV. Then he fairly mentions the upcoming schedule for CSU, for all 0 of their fans who even realize their team's playing a game on TV tonight.
Abouo clanks his second wide-open 3. There's a REASON you're always open out there, buddy. And it's not because you've got a nice body.
Davies hits 2 tough shots and smirks in Hartsock's direction. Davies picks up a foul and Hartsock takes off his warm-ups and goes to the scorer's table before Coach pulls him back to the bench.
Fredette with a throwdown! The crowd goes wild! We haven't had a white guard who could dunk since...well, since Joseph Smith posterized David Whitmer in a pickup game in Nauvoo.
Hartsock comes in for Davies. No jokes here, strictly informational.
A BYUTV commercial profiles a Pinewood Derby with Cub Scouts galore. Some bitter memories for me, taking last place and crying in the corner in my only Pinewood Derby.
Highlights from a BYU women's game with 10 parents in the stands. They should play in a church gym so it doesn't feel so empty. I'd volunteer to operate the scoreboard, like I did in church ball.
Fredette nails another 3 from deep. In the back of his head: "4-5 from 3, 1-3 from 2, 3 assists, 2 rebounds, 2-3 FT, 16 points. Get me the freaking ball!"
Emery with a steal and a dunk. That ties the NCAA mark for Improbable White Guy Dunks in a game (3). Someone get the ball to Zylstra on the break!
All the starters are sitting and we've got a white-wash on the court (all 5 white guys). Excellent time to show off our polished fundamentals and 3-point shooting!
CSU hits 2 contested 3's in a row, bringing the lead down to 29. Bring in the black guys!
Halftime: 60-29. Coach Rose is seething: "The score should be 80-0!" Jimmer, about his 17 points: "Oh, 17 points? I didn't notice. I never do. I just care if we win." Sure, Jimmer.
Today's halftime segment is about Hartsock's courting of some volleyball chick. Fast-forward! I end up sitting through it, the chick tells it in typical BYU chick style (I swear I'm not really exaggerating, for reals guys): "All his friends wanted me and I didn't want any of them because I'm totally hot. He totally wanted me, I hated him, I didn't want to date an RM cause I didn't want to get married, because you know that every RM would marry me because I'm totally hot. But he swindled me into it and I've never been happier." Their kids are going to be 9'6" monsters.
They ask the chick a bunch of questions about him, and she gets them all wrong.
Hartsock nailed her ideal vacation location ("Bahamas"). Of course he did.
She was just asked which show to DVR a week, and I was surprised she didn't answer "the scriptures". Real answer: "Pickers". How non-Mormon of her!
BYU's lead going into the 2nd half: 60-29. You know Coach Rose's halftime speech was focused on maintaining the 2x lead and scoring 100: "Press! 3's! Stats! If the shot clock goes under 25, you're all benched!"
CSU's coach after halftime: "We just have to work on getting better." AKA, "we have no chance and I hope we don't lose by 50."
Davies hands a CSU player a 20 dollar bill and points at Hartsock. "Watch out for number 33, Noah!" yells his self-proclaimed super hot wife.
Emery bricks a 3 to open the half. Coach Rose looks agitated.
Abouo fakes a 3. Nobody flinches.
Davies misses a gimme layup, Hartsock taunts him from the bench.
Only 9 points so far this half in 4 minutes. Coach Rose calls a time-out and chews everybody out. "Good timeout here," says Toolson. "Can't let this game get away from them."
Jimmer's dad shows up in the booth. Seems like a good guy. Which, of course, leads to no jokes here. He does plug a local restaurant, but I got nothin'.
Nice move from Davies along the baseline. After, he celebrates by walking over to the bench and punching Hartsock in the face.
Jimmer hits his average and Coach pulls him. And people say that coaches don't care about stats.
Melanie makes fun of the Collinsworth brothers: "Collinsworth to Collinsworth, and Collinsworth passes back to Collinsworth. Collinsworth drives to the basket and dishes to Collinsworth. Collinsworth with the assist and Collinsworth with the basket!" Ladies and Gentlemen, Melanie Hansen! She'll be here all week.
Mel makes sure that I don't make her sound like a typical woman who says, "Their uniforms are so pretty!"
Zylstra cans a 3, and BYU's up 93-44. BYU needs to let my brother Brian in the booth to do his Marv Albert. "Zylsta. For 3. Yes!" I'd say that the only thing better than Brian's Marv is Marv himself, but even Marv has to admit that Brian's Marv is better than his own.
I vote that when the game gets out of hand, they stop shooting free throws.
CSU puts in their only white guy. And he's matched up against our only black guy, who scores over him. Our token is better than your token!
CSU mounts a furious comeback, 99-58. Coach calls a timeout to calm everybody down. The crowd starts leaving, realizing that a 2x victory is out of reach.
The other Collinsworth throws it down! That breaks the record for Improbable White Guy Dunks!
Final score: 109-60. Real hard-fought game, but the better team pulls it out. We'll see you next time.
Tonight's announcers: Dave McCann and Andy Toolson. Dave is my favorite announcer this side of Todd Christensen's hair, and Andy Toolson has been known to say things like "You have to really like Charles Abouo's body." Should be easy targets.
One of tonight's subplots: the budding rivalry between Davies, who started Game 1, and Hartsock, who started Game 2. The animosity between these 2 goes way deeper than race. I'm pretty sure they both dated the same girl over the summer.
There are 2 Collinsworths on the team, brothers. To avoid confusion, I'll just clump them into one person. In fact, I could probably combine all of the white players into one person except for Jimmer.
Jimmer opens the game with a deep 3! Dave says he's in range past the halfcourt line. I think this would offend Jimmer.
Hartsock clangs a baseline jumper off the side of the backboard. Davies taunts him from the sideline: "Nice shot, Mr. Bad Shot!" High fives all around.
Hartsock gets yanked after missing a 10 foot J. However, Davies doesn't come in, they put in the tremendously lurpy Anderson. A note about Anderson: He runs like a Yeti, like he's about to fall down every other step. I'm guessing the other Cougs have a hard time keeping straight faces while running suicides.
I love the commercials on BYUTV. There's only like 2, and they're all just pushing other programs on BYUTV. I'm pretty sure today's main audience isn't interested in "Scrapbooking Workshop".
Collinsworth with a 2-handed jam! Makes all of us white boys proud. "He's gone from knockin' on doors to knockin' down dunks!" says Dave. I have no idea what he's talking about.
I think it would be pretty great if these BYUTV broadcasts would openly preach. Since they don't have sponsors, they could have free throws and plays of the game brought to us by scriptures: "This free throw is brought to you by Helaman 5:12, which reminds all of us that it is upon the rock of Christ we much build our faith. Now let me tell you, Andy, I know for myself how true that scripture is, and I know that you can lead a fulfilling life by following those words of council." "I couldn't agree more, Dave, as it reminds me of when I was on my mission and..."
After a few Wet Willies and noogies, Coach Rose puts Zylstra in between Davies and Hartsock on the bench. Coach is this close from turning this car around right now, Mister.
Jimmer nails another 3, 22-6 for the Cougs! Melanie lets her opinion be known: "Jimmer is the stupidest name." A weekly tradition!
Jimmer already with 12 points, 4-4 FG, 3-3 3P with 12 minutes left. He's already thinking 100 points. Toolson talks about his great passing. Jimmer leads the NCAA in "begrudging assists".
Dave calls CSU "the visiting Cougars" and "the Green Cougars". I think he's out of adjectives.
BYU goes to a zone. Is it fair to call any defensive scheme "racist"? I guess any man-to-man defense against BYU is probably racist.
Announcers discussing the lack of diversity on CSU, as almost the whole team is from Chicago. What about that white guy they got from Orem, Utah, a few years back who led them to 4 championships in a row? What about that diversity?
Davies comes in finally. Hartsock hurls insults from the sideline. This is getting ugly.
CSU throws up an airball from downtown. About 2 jerks from the student section chant "Airball! Airball!" for 5 seconds before they realize we're up 34-13.
Davies get hammered inside by 3 CSU big guys. Hartsock seen cheering wildly from the sideline.
Dave previews the upcoming broadcasts on BYUTV. Then he fairly mentions the upcoming schedule for CSU, for all 0 of their fans who even realize their team's playing a game on TV tonight.
Abouo clanks his second wide-open 3. There's a REASON you're always open out there, buddy. And it's not because you've got a nice body.
Davies hits 2 tough shots and smirks in Hartsock's direction. Davies picks up a foul and Hartsock takes off his warm-ups and goes to the scorer's table before Coach pulls him back to the bench.
Fredette with a throwdown! The crowd goes wild! We haven't had a white guard who could dunk since...well, since Joseph Smith posterized David Whitmer in a pickup game in Nauvoo.
Hartsock comes in for Davies. No jokes here, strictly informational.
A BYUTV commercial profiles a Pinewood Derby with Cub Scouts galore. Some bitter memories for me, taking last place and crying in the corner in my only Pinewood Derby.
Highlights from a BYU women's game with 10 parents in the stands. They should play in a church gym so it doesn't feel so empty. I'd volunteer to operate the scoreboard, like I did in church ball.
Fredette nails another 3 from deep. In the back of his head: "4-5 from 3, 1-3 from 2, 3 assists, 2 rebounds, 2-3 FT, 16 points. Get me the freaking ball!"
Emery with a steal and a dunk. That ties the NCAA mark for Improbable White Guy Dunks in a game (3). Someone get the ball to Zylstra on the break!
All the starters are sitting and we've got a white-wash on the court (all 5 white guys). Excellent time to show off our polished fundamentals and 3-point shooting!
CSU hits 2 contested 3's in a row, bringing the lead down to 29. Bring in the black guys!
Halftime: 60-29. Coach Rose is seething: "The score should be 80-0!" Jimmer, about his 17 points: "Oh, 17 points? I didn't notice. I never do. I just care if we win." Sure, Jimmer.
Today's halftime segment is about Hartsock's courting of some volleyball chick. Fast-forward! I end up sitting through it, the chick tells it in typical BYU chick style (I swear I'm not really exaggerating, for reals guys): "All his friends wanted me and I didn't want any of them because I'm totally hot. He totally wanted me, I hated him, I didn't want to date an RM cause I didn't want to get married, because you know that every RM would marry me because I'm totally hot. But he swindled me into it and I've never been happier." Their kids are going to be 9'6" monsters.
They ask the chick a bunch of questions about him, and she gets them all wrong.
Hartsock nailed her ideal vacation location ("Bahamas"). Of course he did.
She was just asked which show to DVR a week, and I was surprised she didn't answer "the scriptures". Real answer: "Pickers". How non-Mormon of her!
BYU's lead going into the 2nd half: 60-29. You know Coach Rose's halftime speech was focused on maintaining the 2x lead and scoring 100: "Press! 3's! Stats! If the shot clock goes under 25, you're all benched!"
CSU's coach after halftime: "We just have to work on getting better." AKA, "we have no chance and I hope we don't lose by 50."
Davies hands a CSU player a 20 dollar bill and points at Hartsock. "Watch out for number 33, Noah!" yells his self-proclaimed super hot wife.
Emery bricks a 3 to open the half. Coach Rose looks agitated.
Abouo fakes a 3. Nobody flinches.
Davies misses a gimme layup, Hartsock taunts him from the bench.
Only 9 points so far this half in 4 minutes. Coach Rose calls a time-out and chews everybody out. "Good timeout here," says Toolson. "Can't let this game get away from them."
Jimmer's dad shows up in the booth. Seems like a good guy. Which, of course, leads to no jokes here. He does plug a local restaurant, but I got nothin'.
Nice move from Davies along the baseline. After, he celebrates by walking over to the bench and punching Hartsock in the face.
Jimmer hits his average and Coach pulls him. And people say that coaches don't care about stats.
Melanie makes fun of the Collinsworth brothers: "Collinsworth to Collinsworth, and Collinsworth passes back to Collinsworth. Collinsworth drives to the basket and dishes to Collinsworth. Collinsworth with the assist and Collinsworth with the basket!" Ladies and Gentlemen, Melanie Hansen! She'll be here all week.
Mel makes sure that I don't make her sound like a typical woman who says, "Their uniforms are so pretty!"
Zylstra cans a 3, and BYU's up 93-44. BYU needs to let my brother Brian in the booth to do his Marv Albert. "Zylsta. For 3. Yes!" I'd say that the only thing better than Brian's Marv is Marv himself, but even Marv has to admit that Brian's Marv is better than his own.
I vote that when the game gets out of hand, they stop shooting free throws.
CSU puts in their only white guy. And he's matched up against our only black guy, who scores over him. Our token is better than your token!
CSU mounts a furious comeback, 99-58. Coach calls a timeout to calm everybody down. The crowd starts leaving, realizing that a 2x victory is out of reach.
The other Collinsworth throws it down! That breaks the record for Improbable White Guy Dunks!
Final score: 109-60. Real hard-fought game, but the better team pulls it out. We'll see you next time.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
The Second Annual Halloween Park Trip
We've decided to make it an annual tradition to visit our town park on Halloween. Last year it was unseasonably warm and I looked a little like this:
My favorite part of that day was later when I answered the door for some trick-or-treaters and a little girl (at eye-level to my belly) asked,
"Are you having a baby?"
I just handed her an extra piece of candy and replied,
"I certainly hope so..."
This year it was a little chillier than last, but was much more fun, at least from my perspective...
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Boisterous parents
We were at Babies "R" We the other day, and I was letting Hendrik crawl around while Melanie studied various car seats for the better part of an hour. The Babies R We crowd is very similar to the Utah crowd, which is to say that everybody around has their own babies and they don't think that other babies are all that cute or amazing. Hench would approach people, as is his custom, and climb up on their leg, looking up for a little hint of humanity. Some people were amused, others gave me this look like "How dare you let your child crawl around in here and touch me! Do you realize how many germs he has!!! For shame!" This one particular grandma gave him a little more attention.
"Oh, how cute! How old is he?"
"11 months."
"Oh, wow! He's so tiny! My grandson is 4 months old and is also his size! He's growing like 2 inches a week!"
Then, the Babies R We employee assisting them also put in her 2 cents: "Oh, yes! What a little peanut!"
"Yes!" said the grandma, "a little peanut! Are you a little peanut? Yes, you are! Come here, peanut!"
End of conversation.
Let me just put this on the record: There is nothing more annoying that boisterous parents/g-parents when discussing the size of their chunky offspring, especially when comparing to other kids. It's like they take personal credit that their kid has a slow metabolism or whatever else causes fat babies to be fat. They like to extrapolate their kid's size, thinking they will be 6'9 offensive linemen or whatever it is that large women aspire to be (plus-size models? talk-show hosts? birthing machines? garbage-women?). They like to pass judgment on the parents of smaller kids, whispering to their spouses, "Do they even feed him? Can they not afford food? Are they just spending all of their money on booze? They probably lock their kid in the closet when they go boozing! What awful parents!"
They might as well just come out and say it: "My baby is larger than your baby, and, therefore, better. That is a direct result of my superior parenting, which implies that I am a better parent and, therefore, a better person than you are or probably will ever be. I win. I win at life."
In full disclosure, Hendrik is not a small baby. He's average. 50 percentile in height and weight. I have no room to brag or complain. I point that out to everybody who says he's big ("Actually, he's exactly average."), or small ("HE'S NOT A &#%$ PEANUT!!!"), if I have the chance. The grandma who says her grandson is 22 pounds at 4 months is probably either batty or blind (or both), so I didn't bother clarifying that Hendrik isn't a "peanut", in fact, he's an orange, which seems to be an average-size food.
Hendrik also eats ridiculous amounts of food, so much that we have to just stop feeding him when we think he's had enough, otherwise he'll just keep eating. We thought he'd be bigger than average, but it turns out that the food just goes in one end and out the other.
If he was huge, I'd probably be taking personal credit for his hugeness and rubbing it in all the sad sacks' faces that my kid was destined to a successful life without need for step stools or platform shoes, and their kid will probably give into a life-threatening disease as a direct result of their poor parenting (calm down-this is a joke).
Actually, I wouldn't. I made a pact to myself before Hendrik was born that I would never brag about the things that I couldn't take credit for. Which is pretty much everything, because I don't do any parenting. I just give a lot of "performance feedback" for my wife. So I'll just take credit for how great of a mom she is.
"Oh, how cute! How old is he?"
"11 months."
"Oh, wow! He's so tiny! My grandson is 4 months old and is also his size! He's growing like 2 inches a week!"
Then, the Babies R We employee assisting them also put in her 2 cents: "Oh, yes! What a little peanut!"
"Yes!" said the grandma, "a little peanut! Are you a little peanut? Yes, you are! Come here, peanut!"
End of conversation.
Let me just put this on the record: There is nothing more annoying that boisterous parents/g-parents when discussing the size of their chunky offspring, especially when comparing to other kids. It's like they take personal credit that their kid has a slow metabolism or whatever else causes fat babies to be fat. They like to extrapolate their kid's size, thinking they will be 6'9 offensive linemen or whatever it is that large women aspire to be (plus-size models? talk-show hosts? birthing machines? garbage-women?). They like to pass judgment on the parents of smaller kids, whispering to their spouses, "Do they even feed him? Can they not afford food? Are they just spending all of their money on booze? They probably lock their kid in the closet when they go boozing! What awful parents!"
They might as well just come out and say it: "My baby is larger than your baby, and, therefore, better. That is a direct result of my superior parenting, which implies that I am a better parent and, therefore, a better person than you are or probably will ever be. I win. I win at life."
In full disclosure, Hendrik is not a small baby. He's average. 50 percentile in height and weight. I have no room to brag or complain. I point that out to everybody who says he's big ("Actually, he's exactly average."), or small ("HE'S NOT A &#%$ PEANUT!!!"), if I have the chance. The grandma who says her grandson is 22 pounds at 4 months is probably either batty or blind (or both), so I didn't bother clarifying that Hendrik isn't a "peanut", in fact, he's an orange, which seems to be an average-size food.
Hendrik also eats ridiculous amounts of food, so much that we have to just stop feeding him when we think he's had enough, otherwise he'll just keep eating. We thought he'd be bigger than average, but it turns out that the food just goes in one end and out the other.
If he was huge, I'd probably be taking personal credit for his hugeness and rubbing it in all the sad sacks' faces that my kid was destined to a successful life without need for step stools or platform shoes, and their kid will probably give into a life-threatening disease as a direct result of their poor parenting (calm down-this is a joke).
Actually, I wouldn't. I made a pact to myself before Hendrik was born that I would never brag about the things that I couldn't take credit for. Which is pretty much everything, because I don't do any parenting. I just give a lot of "performance feedback" for my wife. So I'll just take credit for how great of a mom she is.
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