I hate kids

But not yours. Yours are great.

To be honest, the title of this post is more a gimmick than a fact. I'm resorting to gimmicks nowadays to keep people interested. You probably saw this title and thought, "The nerve! What a jerk! But now I have to figure out why he hates kids." And here you are reading, to which I say, "Ha, I tricked you! Please don't click away…"

So, I don't hate kids. Especially not yours. Yours are great. Of course I love my own son, and also love my thousands of nephews and nieces. I like my friends' kids in differing amounts, depending on the friend and the kid, but I certainly don't dislike any of them. I would say that my love for little children of all kinds has gone up tremendously since I've been a parent. I'll see a baby in the grocery store and smile, whereas before there's no way I would be caught DEAD smiling in a grocery store.

So what is this post about if I like kids so much, you ask? It's about the biggest surprise of my parenthood: I had no idea how hard it is to like, or even tolerate, kids that are idiots. I'm talking about the jerk at the playground who's climbing backwards up the slide, running everywhere at full-tilt, knocking 1 year-olds over, making all sort of noise, and just in general being outright obnoxious and ruining everybody's day. I'm also talking about the little brats that are obviously never being told no at their houses, and act like entitled nobility. I had NO idea how hard it was to not hate these kids, their parents, and everyone who says they like that kid.
Let's go through some examples:

1. Whitman playground, early spring-time: Hendrik has been walking for a couple of months and is still pretty wobbly. We start him off at the little kid section, with the small slide and the big red tube, which he loves to climb in. He's having a dandy time when these 8 year old boys come sprinting over from the big kid side, knocking Hendrik over and acting like drunken fools. Hendrik isn't hurt much, but the rage inside me grows quickly. I feel myself turning into the Hulk. I keep a watchful eye on the idiot kid to make sure he doesn't inflict more damage. Later, while Hendrik is playing in the tube, this kid climbs on top of the tube, kicking it, and being loud. He wasn't doing anything bad to Hench, but I'd had enough. I tapped his leg to get his attention and told him to go back to the big kid side and not be such a tool. I can't remember this part that well, but I didn't really touch him (although I really wanted to smack him), and I definitely gave him some sort of old-guy lecture. He looked sufficiently scared and whimpered off to the other side. Mission accomplished!

Later, I began to feel bad. I mean, besides knocking Hendrik over, what else did he do wrong? I decided to let it go and resolved to be nicer to other kids, especially the ones that are idiots, because they probably need the most love.

2. Braintree mall, a few weeks later: We discovered that this mall had an awesome play area very close to the food court. It was designed for pretty small kids, with various tubes to crawl in and what-not. It had a tree-house type theme, similar to the University Mall's play area in Orem. However, unlike the Uni Mall, the play area was totally enclosed, meaning there was no easy escape for wanderers like Hendu.

Mel was shopping for whatever women shop for, and I was in charge of the boy. When we arrived at the play area, it was overrun by chumplings. Chumplings are native to mall play areas, and are a very invasive species unless controlled. These chumplings were especially wild, not unlike a monkey house at the zoo, except monkey houses have less poo-flinging. The chumplings were zooming around at 40 mph, swinging from the branches of the tree, diving through the small tubes, and causing massive commotion. I was hesitant to allow Hench to play around these chumplings for a few reasons: A) He'd get trampled to his death; 2) He'd get knocked over violently; or D) He'd get bitten by one of the chumplings and turn into one of them. I was pretty weary from following him around all creation and keeping him away from escalators, which he loves to no end, so I decided I'd take that risk. H started playing like usual, going into the tubes first. Just then, some smaller chumpling swooped down from the tree and pushed Hendrik right out of the tube so he could go through it. I was on the other side of the tube, waiting for my son to come through, so the chumpling came right at me. I grabbed him on both arms and was foaming at the mouth, I was so angry. "Watch where you're going, ya little runt!" I yelled, saliva flailing from my lips, steam shooting out of my ears. The kid gave me a quivering look and I realized he probably thought I was going to murder him. I let him go and tended to my screaming boy, who needed a good chunk of cuddle time before he was back at it. Later, I sat on the edge of the play area and watched the offending chumpling at work. He didn't change his routine, he continued to run around with the cautiousness of a bull. I identified his parents and judged them for a while. What irresponsible parents! I would NEVER have a child as rambunctious as him!

Then I started to feel bad again. Deep in my heart, I had some serious hatred for that kid and some lite hatred for his parents. What right did I have to hate them? They're probably just regular parents doing the best they can, and he's just a boy who likes to play. Soon enough, I thought, Hendrik will be a chumpling and I'll be glad that he's having fun like a little boy should. If a few toddlers are knocked down in the process, so be it. So, after about 3 months, I let it go.

3. Our house, sometime after that: From February 2010 to April 2011, Hendrik and another boy were watched by a babysitter, first at the other boy's house, and then at ours. It was fun watching them grow up together, learn things together, etc. A bonus was that the other kid was black, and we were secretly proud of the fact that our kid had a black friend, much sooner than I ever did (it still hasn't happened). However, after this kid turned 1, he turned into a nightmare. He had a nasty hitting habit, and was just violent in general. He was very mobile and coordinated. He was constantly knocking Hendrik down with his aggressiveness, even though he wasn't doing it maliciously. It really irked me, especially that it happened every day.
When I would work from home, I'd take a break every so often and play with Hendrik. Of course, the other little boy would want to play with me, too, but, frankly, I wasn't that interested in him. I'd pick up Hendu, tickle him, throw him around on our bed, etc, and all the while the other kid would just watch from the side, trying to get involved. Occasionally I would throw him a bone and chuck him around, but that was more to just chuck him than to play with him. I'd do that for about .5 seconds and realize that I had zero willingness to play with this kid who was always beating up on Hendrik, especially because any time spent playing with him meant less time playing with H. I felt bad about not playing with him, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

In April, the babysitter took a full-time job and the other little kid disappeared, which is when Liesl came and watched Hendrik. Since then, I only see the other kid at church and I've found that I like him again. He seems to be calm at nursery, and they play with each other relatively nicely, from what I can see.

4. July: There's this little girl that we know who's right at Hendrik's age. She's on the spoiled side, and by that I mean there doesn't seem to be an end to the toys she has. This is great for Hendrik, who has a much, much smaller collection of toys. However, this girl gets possessive and acts like a mother hen who's feeling threatened by a wolf every time he tries to get near the toys or near her. Hendrik is a pretty social kid for the most part, and likes to give hugs to little girls that he knows. This little girl is obviously much too good for Hendrik, and on this particular occasion pushed him away. That wasn't a big deal, but as Hendrik walked away she ran at him just to smack him right on the forehead, pretty much the toddler's version of a punch to the face. It was pretty cold-blooded and malicious, and I'd never seen any kid of that age act with so much violent intent towards another kid. I was totally shocked and angry. Her mom was right there and took action, but I was so angry about it that I couldn't stop thinking about how much I hated that girl. Even as I write this, I still feel the same way. Give me another 3 months, and I may be over it.

5. July/August, at the beach: Hendrik likes to approach other kids at the beach and tries to play with them. Some kids ignore him and he moves on. Occasionally, he will find a kindred spirit, usually a 4 or 5 year old, who loves to play with Hendrik just as much as Hendrik wants to play with him. There was this little boy who did that, played with him for almost an hour, as they played in the waves and sand. It was the greatest thing ever. I thanked his parents for his kid's willingness to play and asked them if he was for rent ("Rent a brother", not to be confused with "Rent a brotha"-totally different business). I wanted to give the kid a big hug and a present. I mention this as a contrast to stories 1-4 above, to show that when a kid is good to mine, I'm totally in love with them.

As you can see, I've got a lot of ground to cover. I have to figure out a way to stop hating kids. It's just so hard when most kids are so obnoxious. But not yours. Yours are great.