Monday, June 23, 2008

One Year Down, Eternity to Go

I'm sure many of you have begun to wonder whether or not I even know how to post a blog entry as Kent does the Lion's share of posting...I have had a few ideas to blog about, but most of them have centered around complaining or whining about how rude other people are, so I've held back. However, I finally came across something a little more pleasant to blog about.

This past Saturday Kent and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary. On Friday night we drove up to Sharon, VT to participate in our ward campout, how romantic. Kent did make sure to let everyone know that it was our anniversary, so we got plenty of "oohs" and "aahs." However, it was usually followed up with Kent's "Yeah, I didn't even think we would make it." Real nice...

Saturday turned out to be a pretty nice day. We started out with a game of kickball, my team beating Kent's, of course. Then we drove into the little town to eat lunch at a place that boasted 24 flavors of soft serve. Sounds exciting, but not so much. I went with the always reliable butterscotch-dipped vanilla cone (thanks Corey!), but Kent tried the black raspberry which turned out to be more of a hint of raspberry - a little disappointing but ice cream is ice cream, especially on a hot day. When we got back to the campground we hung out for a bit and then managed to throw all of our gear in the back of the car before the torrential downpour started.

We had originally planned to "celebrate" the anniversary on Sunday as we didn't think we would get home early enough on Saturday. However, with the rain pushing us out, Kent thought Saturday would be a better night. So when we got home I was told to stay in the bedroom so he could prepare our evening. Eventually I was welcomed into the living room where a candle-lit table and a formally-dressed Kent awaited me. He had cooked us a nice steak dinner and even had a romantic soundtrack playing in the background. He also gave me a potted rose bush that I can plant in our new garden, if I manage to keep it alive long enough.

After dinner Kent had put together a musical playlist that we could use to dance the night away. And did we! At our wedding one of our favorite things was all the dancing we got to do so this was a nice way to remember that day. It may sound a bit hokey or silly, but I fully recommend this to all couples, it doesn't even have to be a special event. As long as you put on music you both like and you both get into it, you can have A LOT of fun together. Just find a babysitter if needed, close the blinds, and pump up the jams. You can try out new moves on each other, dust off some old ones, or jump around like idiots. Any way you go, you'll end up having a lot of fun and remembering just why this person is your favorite - because you can act like an idiot and they still look at you like you're the hottest, funniest, smartest person they've ever seen.

They say the first year is the hardest, but Kent and I have marveled at how easy this year has been together. Sure, we're learning a lot of little things about each other, some that we don't like so much, but above all we seem to be validating the choice we made. I'm excited to see Kent every chance I get and tell him all the things I saw, heard, or did each day (even though he may not share my enthusiasm for the details). He has continued to become my best friend and is easily my favorite person. He has so many great qualities, quite a few that I don't think a lot of people get to see. He is always honest (sometimes TOO honest), sincere, and looking out for our best interest. While we don't characterize this year as "hard," I can definitely look back and see all the different ways each of us has changed and learned new things about ourselves and our relationship. Hopefully the years to come will be just as much fun.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Terrence part V

Okay, here it is. I greatly appreciated all of last episode's comments. I decided that Pete's submission was the winner, with Jason as a close second. The deciding factor was that I felt that Pete's entry worked better into the plot, so I went with that.

This episode's first 3 commenters get their votes counted as two, so get your vote in quickly!

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4

Chapter 5

The Doorstep

As you recall, Chris called HGW and asked her out at the end of Chapter 4, and this is what happened (From Pete's comment):

HGW: (sigh) Yeah, I guess, whatever. (obviously bored)

Chris: Great! How about Saturday night for dinner and a movie?

HGW: I'm busy Saturday. Someone I have actually met in person asked me out for that night.

Chris: Ok - what about Monday night?

HGW: FHE.

Chris: Tuesday?

HGW: Night class.

Chris: Wednesday?

HGW: (pause) I guess. What restaurant?

Chris: Dos Hermanos and then Movies 8?

HGW: I don't think so. How about Carver's and then you let me go home?

Chris: It's a deal. I'll pick you up Wednesday at 6.

HGW: Ok, see you then Kermit.

Chris: Uh, it's (click) Chris.

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

Tonight is the night. The pressure was on. I had a date with the hottest girl in the ward (HGW), Anita, after asking her out via a tepid phone conversation with her a week and a half ago. I hadn't seen her in the interim, so I wasn't even counting on her remembering about it. I put on my coolest t-shirt and my nicest jeans, spent an hour on my hair to give it that perfect "I don't care about my hair" look. I wasn't getting any better looking than this. If she didn't like me tonight, she has no soul.

I picked her up in Steve's car and we took off for IHOP. I know she requested Carver's but I never take girls way out of my league to nice places. That way, I know they're interested in me for me, and not for a 30-dollar steak. I was expecting her to be a bit raunchy, a bit snobby, and way too cool. Unfortunately, she was extremely personable and friendly, as if she was a completely different person. An example:

HGW: You're a lot better looking than I thought you'd be, Kermit. I was expecting a total nerdbag doofus.

Me: Why, uh, thank you. You can call me Chris if you'd like.

HGW: How about I call you Richard? You look like a Richard.

Me: Call me whatever you want, baby. But just call me.

Etc, etc, etc. This was the typical banter for the evening. She didn't even mind that I took her to IHOP and then bowling. The reason why this was all unfortunate (as mentioned a few paragraphs ago) was that I was now completely under her spell. Going out with a HGW wasn't new to me, I'd gone out with the HGW in every one of my wards. But usually the HGW was so snobby and/or dumb, I would despise her by the end and lose all feelings of attraction. This was the first time the HGW was smart and funny and had at least a semi-decent personality.

On the way home, we were having an unusually honest conversation about my preconception of her. "You know, you are NOTHING like I imagined. I pictured you as a high and mighty type, the snobby type that goes out with everybody just for free dinner."

She gave me a perfect smile, like she had too many teeth. "Why did you even ask me out then?"

"On the outside chance that you were cool. Which you are, so I'm glad I took the chance."

"Yeah, most guys think I'm a huge snob. I have to be cool and distant at church and Ward Prayer or else I'll get way too much attention. This way I weed out the more cowardly types." I couldn't tell if she was joking or not.

"So why did you agree to go with me?" I queried.

"Everybody deserves at least one chance. Even a schmuck like you." She smiled again and we made some serious eye contact. My heart skipped a few beats.

We pulled up to her place and I dropped her off. It was still a little early, so I parked the car back at my apartment and went for a little walk. I was on cloud 9. I just dropped off a beautiful, cool girl, and now I needed to tell myself that she didn't like me so I wouldn't get my hopes up. But how great would it be if she did? We'd get married in December in the Salt Lake temple, go on a honeymoon to some romantic tropical island, we'd talk about kids and puppies and how our moms would be best friends, we'd waltz around the apartment every night--HOLD THE PHONE, IS THAT TERRENCE AND ANNIE?!?!?!

Lo and behold, Terrence and Annie were standing outside her apartment, having the infamous "doorstep scene". 9 times out of 10 it's horrendously awkward. That's why I practically kicked Anita out of my car, no uncomfortable goodbyes!

There are only so many ways you can leave the girl at the doorstep:

1. Handshake--In my opinion, the worst possible outcome. What are you, the Bishop? "Great date, put 'er there!" There is no quicker way to the "Friend Zone" than to end with a firm clasping of the hands. You got a handshake: Go to the Friend Zone, Do not pass Go, Do not collect $200.

2. Hug--Probably the best decision. The hug is a friendly "I'm interested in you, I had fun, let's do it again" gesture. It means you're physically attracted enough to be close enough to smell their deodorant (or lack thereof), which is usually a step in the right direction. Keep it firm, but not too firm. Keep it short, but not too short. Use both arms, and whatever you do, don't pat! Pats on the back during hugs are as bad as handshakes. Back to the Friend Zone.

3. Kiss--For the aggressive and/or "easy" dater. A kiss on the first date usually means that both are obsessive and desperate, and they're sprinting into one of those relationships where they get engaged after 2 weeks, married after 2 months, and divorced after 2 years. The infamous 2/2/2. Or they both like action and lots of it.

4. Wave--If you give a wave, you're obviously not interested and would rather not see/talk to your date for the rest of eternity. If you're the recipient of the wave, you need to do yourself a favor and forget any chance of dating that person.

5. Walk off--
Just a "See you later" and a walk off. This is my personal favorite. Not because I feel it's the most effective (the hug is), but it's the easiest for me. This usually leaves your date with absolutely no bearing on how the date went. Leaves them thirsty for more, perhaps a little mystery. Who doesn't want to be mysterious? The downside is that your date might confuse this with the wave, thinking that you don't like them. So you have to do the walk-off as gentlemanly as possible. It's a fine line.

Since it's been a while since we've last discussed Big T and his prized prospect, let me update: Terrence has continued the FCP approach. At first, Annie was hesitant, but after Terrence broke down her will, they've been spending every waking moment together. Well, maybe not THAT much time, but a lot. And they were holding hands in church, which is like announcing to the ward that you're "off the market". However, there had been no smooching to this point, as Terrence was still VL and talked about how he was going to break the seal with Annie, his future wife.

Anyway, there I was, a possible audience to Terrence's first kiss. I crept behind a nearby bush and started spying. Terrence was having a hard time maintaining eye contact and Annie had that look in her eyes like "If he tries to kiss me, I really don't know what I'll do." Terrence mumbled something that sounded like a goodbye and went in for a hug. Annie seemed relieved and gave him a firm embrace. Then they just sat there holding each other for a very long time in silence. I couldn't see Terrence's face, but I'm sure he was working up the courage to make a move. Annie held fast to Terrence, but her eyes started to grow shifty and impatient.

This lasted for about a minute when Terrence pulled his face back and lunged at her lips like a chicken pecking for seed. Annie took it like a champ and reciprocated as best she could. I'd say there were sparks, but those could've just been from the quickness of Terrence's nervous lips trying to pull off a decently romantic kiss. I bit my lip to keep from laughing. Finally, Terrence pulled back, gave Annie a huge smile, wiped his mouth, and left. Annie had a pretty large smile on her face, too, but more from amusement than happiness.

Friday, September 26, 2003

I was sprawled out on the couch watching the tube ("assume the position") when Annie came over with Terrence, holding hands. The last 2 days had been a nonstop parade of Terrence telling everyone around how he and Annie had smooched and were now in love. He'd practically planned out their marriage by now. I, on the other hand, had kept quiet about the details of my date with Anita, not wanting the Steves to blab to anybody in the ward and ruin any chances.

"Hi Chris!" yelled Terrence excitedly.

"Hey dudes," I mumbled back, not really paying attention to them. They said a few words to each other and Terrence went back to his room while Annie sat down in the recliner opposite me.

"So, Chris, how was your date with Anita?" she asked with a wink.

I moved my head up 10 degrees. "What? How did you find out about that?"

"I'm her visiting teacher. She told me all about it yesterday. IHOP and bowling, sounds romantic!"

"She had a great time. Don't knock the stuffed French toast."

"Yes, she said she had a great time. Says you're really funny, which doesn't sound like you."

I gave her a sneer. "Don't you and Terrence have somewhere to go? Like, not here, but somewhere else? Maybe you guys can head up to Squaw Peak or something and continue your intimate kissing session."

She blushed and her disposition became
slightly more serious. "Yeah, I guess." Then she got up and sat next to me, that is, after she made me sit up straight on the couch. She spoke in a hushed tone. "I know Terrence is super excited about everything, but can I tell you something? When I kissed him, I didn't have any awesome feelings of skyrockets in flight or shooting stars or anything like that."

"No excitement? No butterflies in the stomach? No floating in the air?"

"None of that. Just a forced kiss."

"Well, Terrence is new to this whole kissing thing. Give him time."

"That could be it," she paused and looked out the window for a second before continuing, "but I don't think so. Maybe we're just not meant to be or something? I feel like if it's not going to work out, I should let him down now. But on the other hand, he's so nice and treats me like a queen. I have fun with him always, but I don't know how much I want to be romantic with him. But what if I really grow to like him and love him? I'll always regret my decision."

I just kind of looked at her. "I say you dump him and go out with a real man like me. That is, if things don't work out with Anita. You're definitely plan B at this point."

She chuckled and shook her head. "I don't know why I bothered discussing this with you." Just then, Terrence walked out of the room, and they took off together.

WHAT SHOULD ANNIE DO? SHOULD SHE GIVE TERRENCE THE "LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS" SPEECH? OR SHOULD SHE GIVE HIM A CHANCE AND SEE WHERE IT GOES? LADIES, LET'S HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS!

Friday, June 6, 2008

The birthplace of chocolate chip cookies

I realize, of course, that the next Terrence is pending and that this post is yet another post that is NOT a Terrence episode. However, I've been noticing that most of my blogs that I regularly read are not posting as much, either, so I don't feel as much of an obligation to post as nobody is on the Internet anyway.

I have news and big news.

The news is that the Hansens are famous.

The BIG news is that we made an offer on a house, and it was accepted. So we are stepping into the big, bad, money-sucking world of home ownership. I have been talking with numerous banks/mortgage companies and have been learning a ton about all that stuff.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago we realized that our stay in Boston was going to be a lot longer than originally planned, for at least the next 5 years. So I figured, if it's going to be that long, we should look into buying. We got the bug and checked out every real estate site possible, looking at listings. At first we were looking north of Boston, in our current area and a little further out. We went to a couple open houses and our balloon got a little deflated as we checked out these townhouses that seemed so nice in the pictures, but were so small and cramped when we there. Also, it's rare to get a little plot of land with your townhouse here. I was hoping to get a little parcel to plant a garden and a lawn and what-have-you.

So we set our expectations a little lower and kept looking. We expanded our search to include the southern suburbs, and we realized that those were a little more affordable. We picked out a few places to visit and our realtor lined up showings for last Saturday. On Friday evening, I decided to check out the listings one more time, and I saw (by divine revelation, I'm sure) our place, called up the realtor to make sure we could see it the next day.

I woke up at 6 am Saturday morning, totally excited to check out places. I had a feeling similar to the feeling I had on mornings where I was going on a big trip, going out with a hot chick, or going snowboarding: just excited to be up. We headed down to the first place, a single family home in Hanson. The first strike against it was the fact that they spelt Hanson wrong. It was brand new, in a new development with carefully manicured lawns (read: you pay a lot for the HOA dues). We didn't like the layout, however, all the rooms were perfectly square and the master bedroom was no bigger than the other bedrooms! Who doesn't want a huge master bedroom? Also, the lawn/land was not yours, you couldn't just do anything you wanted with them, although I'm sure a little flower bed would be okay.

We skipped on over to the next place, which was a HUGE condo/townhouse development in Abington. These places were really nice inside, with hardwood living rooms and kitchens, black granite counters, etc. They were at the very top of our budget, but they seemed desperate to sell, as there were so many empty units. I really liked the places, but it would still be like living in an apartment complex, with multiple neighbors. But it was definitely the best place we'd seen so far, and we were considering them pretty seriously. This one also had no land of our own.

That is until we saw the next place, the house of our wildest fantasies down the road in Whitman. Okay, maybe it wasn't THAT great of a house, but I didn't think I'd be able to get a place that great with our budget. It's a duplex, connected at the garages, so we don't have to share walls with the neighbors (unless you count the garage wall). It has an acre of land that we'll split down the middle. It's on a dead-end street, making it very quiet. It has 3 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, a HUGE kitchen with an island, a sizable living room, and a large unfinished basement. We also get to choose our own carpet for the upstairs and paint. The one thing we didn't like was the layout of the master bathroom, but hopefully we'll remodel that. Once we move in, we'll send much more pictures your way, but the only one I have so far is this, which doesn't really do it justice. We checked out the vacant right unit. The neighbors in the left unit were home and they were very outgoing and excited to have a young couple looking at the other unit. Since our unit wasn't completely finished, they let us walk around their place to see what it would be like after it was done, and I really liked it.

After a week of haggling, we got the price to come down just a bit, but not too much. Since all other places in this price range paled in comparison, we were fine with that. New construction in the Boston area is VERY rare, so you have to pay a premium for it, but I like the piece of mind that comes with the fact that my house won't fall down at any moment. Most houses on the market are built in the early 20th century, some of them in the late 1800s, and I saw a couple in the 1700s! I guess it'd be kinda cool to live in a ridiculously old house, but I think the novelty would wear off during the cold winters when your heating bill is around 1000 bucks.

Now we get to choose the carpet and the paint, buy a fridge, washer, dryer, dining table, etc. It's all very exciting, I think. The coolest thing that sets this house apart is that we won't have to move after 2 kids. Everything else we looked at had 2 bedrooms and little storage, but this one we can really grow into. It's got 1800 square feet and an unfinished basement that would add another 600. This means that we no longer have a good reason to leave Boston, so we are now here indefinitely. Which is a kinda scary thought. Will our kids grow up with Boston accents? I certainly hope so!

Our new community, Whitman, is a small town of 13,000 and has been settled for about 300 years. It's not far from Plymouth, where of course the pilgrims landed. Whitman's claim to fame is that the chocolate chip cookie was born here, not 2 blocks from our house in the Toll House Inn, hence Toll House cookies. The Toll House Inn burned down in 1984, but there is a historical marker in the parking lot of Wendy's, where it used to be. I think that's rather cool, and I'm pretty sure your town can't top that, unless you live in Palmyra, NY. I believe that the order of history-altering events is this:
1. Gospel restored
2. Chocolate chip cookie invented
3. Your stupid town's founding

To be honest, Whitman isn't as "quaint" as Melrose, but it's definitely a little more small towny. I'm sure as we get to know the area better we'll find that we like it just as much. We'll be taking the commuter rail into work, our commute should be around 45 minutes, 10 minutes more than now. So not bad. We are definitely sad to have to leave our ward that we were just coming to love, and the calling that I was so excited to have. I have heard that the church is true elsewhere, so I'm sure our next ward will be great, too.

I believe congratulations are in order.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Exclusive Interview!

We here at MellificentTales.blogspot.com are dedicated to providing you, the high-maintenance reader, with groundbreaking and life-altering stories that change the way you perceive your own existence. In this quest we have obtained an interview with the reclusive and socially awkward author of the Terrence adventures, Kent H. We have the scoop!

MT: Thanks for taking the time to sit down with us today, we know you're a busy man.

KH: No problem, Boblem. You mind if I call you Boblem?

MT: How has the success of Terrence changed your life?

KH: Before, I was just your average awesome guy. I would walk down the street in anonymous awesomeness, but now I can't go anywhere without somebody approaching me for an autograph or spare change.

MT: Is Terrence based off of any person in particular?

KH: People have speculated that he may be similar to my roommate Radiohead at the Enclave. While Radiohead was downright retarded and deserves his own story, Terrence and Radiohead have only a few things in common--really, really stinky feet and are hairy like gorillas.

MT: What about Chris? Is Chris patterned after you?

KH: I must admit that Chris has a very similar thought process, but he's a bit more spineless. I would have no problem turning down the Melbas of my day, in fact, I did that a few times. Chris is a combination of me and my roommates at the Enclave (you know who you are).

MT: What's the deal with the draft you had? Does that really happen?

KH: Although it's good in theory, I was never involved in any draft. Usually we picked one or two girls from each ward we'd try to date and it rarely happened that we both were interested in the same girl. But we definitely had plenty of nicknames.

MT: Like Cardboard Lindsey?

KH: (Chuckling) Ah yes, Cardboard Lindsey. I was such a jerk to her, but it had to be done. She couldn't take a hint.

MT: So why "Cardboard"?

KH: She was pretty stale and boring, plus she kind of had the same color complexion as cardboard. All in all, one of my favorite nicknames. There were so many Katie's and Lindsey's at the time, we had to give them each a nickname.

MT: So who's "Vince Carter"?

KH: Well, that comes from a veiled reference to acne. It's hard to tell if a girl has good skin from afar, so it's important to alert your friends to the presence of it. However, "acne", "zits", and "nee" are pretty obvious references. So you take "nee" one step further by comparing it to a knee and at the time Vince Carter had a lot of knee problems. So the phrase "She's got more nee problems than Vince" evolved into "Vince Carter". Same thing with Cleveland, just make references to the Browns, Indians, or Cavs, depending on the season. Females think they can figure out our codes, but they can't.

MT: What about "GWD"? Brenda H (probably Googles herself, so we'll leave her last name out) said she knew what it meant.

KH: GWD = "Get Work Done." I'm pretty sure Brenda's lying, since I told her what it meant BEFORE she said she knew what it meant. "Get Work Done" means to have success getting physical affection from the opposite gender, which is a bit obvious, but I don't think GWD was common enough for people to guess it on their own. We also shortened it to "G-dubb" which is what some people call the US President.

MT: Recently, you have led a socially conscious initiative at Terrence, Inc., to become more environmentally friendly. What have you done?

KH: It's all about saving the earth from the perils of man. Global Warming is very real and they seem to talk about it a lot in Us Weekly, so we know it's definitely happening and it's always good to blindly follow along any social trend even though we look down on people for blindly following their religion. People shouldn't look into it, because once they do, they may find that it's not really happening, and then they'd look like a bunch of idiots.

We here at Terrence, Inc., decided to "Go Green" by eliminating all posts written on paper, we do everything electronically. We decided to walk to work, as bikes use rubber and metal which are resources, which evidently this whole movement is about. We also wear green T-shirts once a month to show our commitment. And we think about how recycling would be a good idea if we didn't have to drive a couple miles to do it. So you see we're really focused on reducing our carbon footprint, not like the pollution-loving freaks over at http://jandjgrant.blogspot.com/.

MT: When can readers look forward to chapter 5 of the Terrence saga?

KH: The writer's strike (I refuse to write unless the previous Terrence post gets at least 10 comments) was holding us back. Plus, my wife and I have been house hunting, so I spend most of my Internet time scouring the web for something near Boston that wasn't built before 1900 (not an easy task). But I will say that Terrence gets the girl, Chris gets the shaft, and Jim and Pam end up getting divorced when Jim's ex-girlfriend shows up preggers. Just kidding! I don't know what will happen, because I have yet to dream it up. So buckle up!

MT: Calm down about the Terrence thing already. Most readers only read it because they have nothing better to do.

KH: My bad. [starts crying]

So, there you have it. A lame excuse for a post like a lame clip show to tide over anxious viewers, but who cares? As long as the advertiser money keeps pouring in!