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Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
The Doorstep
The Doorstep
As you recall, Chris called HGW and asked her out at the end of Chapter 4, and this is what happened (From Pete's comment):
HGW: (sigh) Yeah, I guess, whatever. (obviously bored)
Chris: Great! How about Saturday night for dinner and a movie?
HGW: I'm busy Saturday. Someone I have actually met in person asked me out for that night.
Chris: Ok - what about Monday night?
HGW: FHE.
Chris: Tuesday?
HGW: Night class.
Chris: Wednesday?
HGW: (pause) I guess. What restaurant?
Chris: Dos Hermanos and then Movies 8?
HGW: I don't think so. How about Carver's and then you let me go home?
Chris: It's a deal. I'll pick you up Wednesday at 6.
HGW: Ok, see you then Kermit.
Chris: Uh, it's (click) Chris.
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
Tonight is the night. The pressure was on. I had a date with the hottest girl in the ward (HGW), Anita, after asking her out via a tepid phone conversation with her a week and a half ago. I hadn't seen her in the interim, so I wasn't even counting on her remembering about it. I put on my coolest t-shirt and my nicest jeans, spent an hour on my hair to give it that perfect "I don't care about my hair" look. I wasn't getting any better looking than this. If she didn't like me tonight, she has no soul.
I picked her up in Steve's car and we took off for IHOP. I know she requested Carver's but I never take girls way out of my league to nice places. That way, I know they're interested in me for me, and not for a 30-dollar steak. I was expecting her to be a bit raunchy, a bit snobby, and way too cool. Unfortunately, she was extremely personable and friendly, as if she was a completely different person. An example:
HGW: You're a lot better looking than I thought you'd be, Kermit. I was expecting a total nerdbag doofus.
Me: Why, uh, thank you. You can call me Chris if you'd like.
HGW: How about I call you Richard? You look like a Richard.
Me: Call me whatever you want, baby. But just call me.
Etc, etc, etc. This was the typical banter for the evening. She didn't even mind that I took her to IHOP and then bowling. The reason why this was all unfortunate (as mentioned a few paragraphs ago) was that I was now completely under her spell. Going out with a HGW wasn't new to me, I'd gone out with the HGW in every one of my wards. But usually the HGW was so snobby and/or dumb, I would despise her by the end and lose all feelings of attraction. This was the first time the HGW was smart and funny and had at least a semi-decent personality.
On the way home, we were having an unusually honest conversation about my preconception of her. "You know, you are NOTHING like I imagined. I pictured you as a high and mighty type, the snobby type that goes out with everybody just for free dinner."
She gave me a perfect smile, like she had too many teeth. "Why did you even ask me out then?"
"On the outside chance that you were cool. Which you are, so I'm glad I took the chance."
"Yeah, most guys think I'm a huge snob. I have to be cool and distant at church and Ward Prayer or else I'll get way too much attention. This way I weed out the more cowardly types." I couldn't tell if she was joking or not.
"So why did you agree to go with me?" I queried.
"Everybody deserves at least one chance. Even a schmuck like you." She smiled again and we made some serious eye contact. My heart skipped a few beats.
We pulled up to her place and I dropped her off. It was still a little early, so I parked the car back at my apartment and went for a little walk. I was on cloud 9. I just dropped off a beautiful, cool girl, and now I needed to tell myself that she didn't like me so I wouldn't get my hopes up. But how great would it be if she did? We'd get married in December in the Salt Lake temple, go on a honeymoon to some romantic tropical island, we'd talk about kids and puppies and how our moms would be best friends, we'd waltz around the apartment every night--HOLD THE PHONE, IS THAT TERRENCE AND ANNIE?!?!?!
Lo and behold, Terrence and Annie were standing outside her apartment, having the infamous "doorstep scene". 9 times out of 10 it's horrendously awkward. That's why I practically kicked Anita out of my car, no uncomfortable goodbyes!
There are only so many ways you can leave the girl at the doorstep:
1. Handshake--In my opinion, the worst possible outcome. What are you, the Bishop? "Great date, put 'er there!" There is no quicker way to the "Friend Zone" than to end with a firm clasping of the hands. You got a handshake: Go to the Friend Zone, Do not pass Go, Do not collect $200.
2. Hug--Probably the best decision. The hug is a friendly "I'm interested in you, I had fun, let's do it again" gesture. It means you're physically attracted enough to be close enough to smell their deodorant (or lack thereof), which is usually a step in the right direction. Keep it firm, but not too firm. Keep it short, but not too short. Use both arms, and whatever you do, don't pat! Pats on the back during hugs are as bad as handshakes. Back to the Friend Zone.
3. Kiss--For the aggressive and/or "easy" dater. A kiss on the first date usually means that both are obsessive and desperate, and they're sprinting into one of those relationships where they get engaged after 2 weeks, married after 2 months, and divorced after 2 years. The infamous 2/2/2. Or they both like action and lots of it.
4. Wave--If you give a wave, you're obviously not interested and would rather not see/talk to your date for the rest of eternity. If you're the recipient of the wave, you need to do yourself a favor and forget any chance of dating that person.
5. Walk off--Just a "See you later" and a walk off. This is my personal favorite. Not because I feel it's the most effective (the hug is), but it's the easiest for me. This usually leaves your date with absolutely no bearing on how the date went. Leaves them thirsty for more, perhaps a little mystery. Who doesn't want to be mysterious? The downside is that your date might confuse this with the wave, thinking that you don't like them. So you have to do the walk-off as gentlemanly as possible. It's a fine line.
Since it's been a while since we've last discussed Big T and his prized prospect, let me update: Terrence has continued the FCP approach. At first, Annie was hesitant, but after Terrence broke down her will, they've been spending every waking moment together. Well, maybe not THAT much time, but a lot. And they were holding hands in church, which is like announcing to the ward that you're "off the market". However, there had been no smooching to this point, as Terrence was still VL and talked about how he was going to break the seal with Annie, his future wife.
Anyway, there I was, a possible audience to Terrence's first kiss. I crept behind a nearby bush and started spying. Terrence was having a hard time maintaining eye contact and Annie had that look in her eyes like "If he tries to kiss me, I really don't know what I'll do." Terrence mumbled something that sounded like a goodbye and went in for a hug. Annie seemed relieved and gave him a firm embrace. Then they just sat there holding each other for a very long time in silence. I couldn't see Terrence's face, but I'm sure he was working up the courage to make a move. Annie held fast to Terrence, but her eyes started to grow shifty and impatient.
This lasted for about a minute when Terrence pulled his face back and lunged at her lips like a chicken pecking for seed. Annie took it like a champ and reciprocated as best she could. I'd say there were sparks, but those could've just been from the quickness of Terrence's nervous lips trying to pull off a decently romantic kiss. I bit my lip to keep from laughing. Finally, Terrence pulled back, gave Annie a huge smile, wiped his mouth, and left. Annie had a pretty large smile on her face, too, but more from amusement than happiness.
Friday, September 26, 2003
I was sprawled out on the couch watching the tube ("assume the position") when Annie came over with Terrence, holding hands. The last 2 days had been a nonstop parade of Terrence telling everyone around how he and Annie had smooched and were now in love. He'd practically planned out their marriage by now. I, on the other hand, had kept quiet about the details of my date with Anita, not wanting the Steves to blab to anybody in the ward and ruin any chances.
"Hi Chris!" yelled Terrence excitedly.
"Hey dudes," I mumbled back, not really paying attention to them. They said a few words to each other and Terrence went back to his room while Annie sat down in the recliner opposite me.
"So, Chris, how was your date with Anita?" she asked with a wink.
I moved my head up 10 degrees. "What? How did you find out about that?"
"I'm her visiting teacher. She told me all about it yesterday. IHOP and bowling, sounds romantic!"
"She had a great time. Don't knock the stuffed French toast."
"Yes, she said she had a great time. Says you're really funny, which doesn't sound like you."
I gave her a sneer. "Don't you and Terrence have somewhere to go? Like, not here, but somewhere else? Maybe you guys can head up to Squaw Peak or something and continue your intimate kissing session."
She blushed and her disposition became slightly more serious. "Yeah, I guess." Then she got up and sat next to me, that is, after she made me sit up straight on the couch. She spoke in a hushed tone. "I know Terrence is super excited about everything, but can I tell you something? When I kissed him, I didn't have any awesome feelings of skyrockets in flight or shooting stars or anything like that."
"No excitement? No butterflies in the stomach? No floating in the air?"
"None of that. Just a forced kiss."
"Well, Terrence is new to this whole kissing thing. Give him time."
"That could be it," she paused and looked out the window for a second before continuing, "but I don't think so. Maybe we're just not meant to be or something? I feel like if it's not going to work out, I should let him down now. But on the other hand, he's so nice and treats me like a queen. I have fun with him always, but I don't know how much I want to be romantic with him. But what if I really grow to like him and love him? I'll always regret my decision."
I just kind of looked at her. "I say you dump him and go out with a real man like me. That is, if things don't work out with Anita. You're definitely plan B at this point."
She chuckled and shook her head. "I don't know why I bothered discussing this with you." Just then, Terrence walked out of the room, and they took off together.
WHAT SHOULD ANNIE DO? SHOULD SHE GIVE TERRENCE THE "LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS" SPEECH? OR SHOULD SHE GIVE HIM A CHANCE AND SEE WHERE IT GOES? LADIES, LET'S HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS!
16 comments:
I think she should eat crusty bread and leave crumbs all over her face. Then if he immediately goes in for multiple pecks, she'll know that he is just a "chicken pecking for seed".
Or maybe he was just still hungry from dinner? Too many possibilities.
As much as I'd like to see where this goes, Annie's kidding herself and needs to let him down gently but firmly.
I too have tried the walk-off but had it mistaken for a wave, The End. Tried it with my current husband too but he claimed southern manners would not permit: "my mother's hand would reach out from mightly Alabama just to slap my face" And when I told him on the first date that he didn't look like a Mark, he said, "What do I look like? Tyrone?"
So, Kent, did you know I actually dated a Kermit for several months? From Boston, no less. I'm not kidding.
DROP THE DUD! Why waste time when you know it isn't going anywhere? You don't stay with someone because they're the safe choice...that only leads to problems. And I don't think Annie should later hook up with Chris. Nobody should settle for being someone else's Plan B. Nobody.
I am slightly disappointed that chocolate chip cookies didn't factor into the plot. Maybe next time.
The only reason for Annie to date Terrance is so she has a reason to see Chris more often, thus making the store more interesting. I vote Annie strings them both along for at least one more instalment.
I can't believe a cool girl like Annie would have given Terrence a chance anyway. She should dump him or her character can't be cool anymore.
firstly. my sincerest apologizes for the delay in my comment. i would blame my busy life, but that's really no excuse.
secondly. i agree with the comment directly above mine. i thought annie was just giving terrance the pity date. if they become an item, she's no longer cool.
more importantly however, i don't know if i can get down with anita being down-to-earth and funny. it's really not fair to all of us average girls when the HGWs are not only super hot, but cool & funny. it's the triple threat.
i vote the anita turns dumb and mean again or i'm staging a boycott.
I agree Jaime, I agree whole-heartedly! If Anita truly is "cool" and "normal" the world will fall of its axis, it's just not right...
I say that Annie realize that her doubts about T-Mac are really fears that she will miss marrying such an obviously stable fellow. She should realize her destiny and make plans to elope with T-daddy to the Las Vegas Temple as soon as possible (isn't it open 24 hours a day for sealings?). Then Chris would have to make a heroic effort to stop the love of his life from breaking his heart - forcing him to reveal his true feelings for her. Just a suggestion.
I agree with previous posters - I was flattered that you used my lines for HGW, but then on the date she was someone totally different. What gives?
I neglected to say that I really did enjoy this chapter - you never can tell what twists will come to Chris and crew.
Dump him. The typical Let's Be Friends Speech will work. And I'm also confused about the HGW being all-around wonderful. She's got to commit some error so all will be well again.
Thanks for the entertainment Kent!
In what alternate universe would a Terrence even kiss an Annie? Let's be honest. This can't go any further. In fact, I doubt Annie would have let that doorstep kiss scene happen in the first place....so I guess what I'm saying is Bye Bye Terrence and welcome back to reality Kent. :)
Thanks for the continued entertainment!
looks like it's pretty unanimous...
hot girls are lame, and average looking chicks are awesome. *except in my case...as i am super hot AND super awesome.
world order has now been restored.
*disclaimer: j/k. of course.
I think there is a little bit of a nerd in all of us, hence Annie hanging with T-Mac. But most of us manage to cover up/hide that nerdiness from the rest of the world. Annie is not very good at this, which makes me think she and T-Mac might be meant to be together. I mean, kissing AND holding hands in church..Come on. She's stuck.
PS....Jaime IS super hot AND super awesome. Yes, there need be no disclaimer here. Except that there is no extra charge for awesomeness or attractiveness.
come on kent.
on with the show...
what are you doing? moving into your first home or something?
geesh.
yeah, what she said.
-and as an aside... I know I'm am living the magic almost two months later, but I gotta say that I've been squeezing in one or two episodes per day and (other than my wife's phone calls {in case she reads this} j/k), these posts are first on my get-to list when I get home from training. (Still in San Antonio). So keep up the good work, Kent.
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