Not Entirely About Terrence

By my count, Annette had 8 votes, Anita had 5, and Annie had 5. Thanks for all who read and voted. I apologize for the long posts but I should probably say that this is optional reading, you will not be tested on this. So that means you DON'T HAVE TO READ IT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO. It is purely for entertainment, and hopefully you will be entertained. I will try to keep it succinct and not boring. And for those of you who want pictures and updates about the Hansens, well, I don't know what to tell you. The person responsible for that is clearly not on the ball. There's only so much nagging I can do.

So, enjoy the 2nd chapter and please, please, PLEASE vote. I am having a fun time doing this so I thank you all for your support.

Not Entirely About Terrence

by Kent Hansen

Chapter 2

Ward FHE

Monday, September 8, 2003

4:23 PM

After a long day of checking out chicks at the library, the Wilk, the Wall, and in class, it was nice to get back to the apartment for a little late-afternoon Seinfeld. It wasn't long before our hero Terrence made his way back home from the UVSC Wolverines.

"Hey Terrence," said I.

"Hey rancher," said he, "You working hard or hardly working?!"

[Forced laugh]

Terrence piled his body onto the couch and dropped his bag on the floor. We sat there in awkward silence during a Nasonex commercial, watching that bee zip around the screen and wondering what a bee has to do with mucus. Finally, I broke it with a query:

"So, did you decide which girl you're going to ask out?"

"Yesirreerobert! I already done it. Called her this mornin'."

"This morning? What time? Who was it?"

"Annette. I think I have a lot in common with her, so I decided on her. I called her right before my 8 AM class."

Eight o'clock in the freaking AM! It boggles the mind. For those of you following along, Terrence broke 2 rules here: first of all, Terrence calls this girl not 1 day after he gets her number, breaking rule #34, and second of all, he calls her before 8 am on a Monday!

"So, uh, what'd she say?"

"She'd been up since 5 am! Used to the farm life and all that, she had to get up super early to finish her homework that she couldn't do on the Sabbath. She was tickled pink to go out with me!"

"Wow."

"I know! I'm tremendously stoked. We're going out Fridee."

I shuddered at the thought of 2 complete Zoobs going out and pictured what a great time they'd have. I imagined them opening the date with a scripture, walking down to Cafe Rio to get a side of rice, then heading to Movies 8 to walk out of a PG-13 movie, finishing it off with a friendly handshake. I almost entertained the idea of following them for comedy's sake.

"What are you gonna do Fridee?" asked Terrence.

"Oh, I don't have much planned right now. It's only Monday."

"That's great, because her roommate isn't doing nothin' either and you can double with us!" His eyes were bulging with excitement.

My heart sank. I was NOT prepared for this. I had no ready-made excuse, I had just said that my Friday was free and he had me cornered. Maybe her roommate was hot, though. This may be fun.

"What's her roommate like?"

"Oh, she's a real sweetie, her name's Melba."

"Like the toast?"

"What?"

"Never mind."

A "sweetie" named Melba. NOT a good start. This girl was for sure a chunkster from American Fark. But what could I do? I was stuck.

Terrence got off the couch and slapped me thunderously on the back while walking out, "We'll have a great time!"

9:33 PM

Tonight was the first FHE of the semester, which means that FHE "families" haven't yet been created. This is the only palatable time to go to FHE, when the entire ward goes and has some activity built around food, folks, and fun. It's also a great time to look like Mormon Dad material, being active at FHE and all that, if only for one week.

The Steves and I crawled into Chris's Nissan Sentra and headed out to Kiwani's to meet the rest of the ward there. We showed up fashionably late as usual, 10 minutes after Mormon Standard Time, which varies depending on the ward, in this case 20 minutes. The key to a successful ward FHE is to be the guy everybody knew you could be. In Church you're super suave, at Ward Prayer you're too cool for school, but at FHE you're that nice guy with an appropriate sense of humor and good-looking to boot. This is the exact time and place to win over all the ladies. This is what you've been preparing your whole life for. The pressure was on.

The barbecue had just begun and a large line was forming. If you want the good pickin's for the food, you get in front of the line. If you're there for the ladies, you go to the back. That way, you're the last person to pick a seat, which means you can strategically sit next to that cutie you've had your eye on. Of course, once the semester wears on and all the girls become old news, you cut your way to the front of the line, grab maximum food, eat, and run.

I spotted Terrence from the back of the line. He was near the front, cramming his plate full of hot dogs, hamburgers, and chips. I chuckled to myself, self-righteously. Terrence always looks like an ogre. It looked like he had a nice place in line, though, a couple of lookers were right behind him. Not only that, but they followed him to the table he chose and sat right next to him! I figured one of them was Annette, so maybe the other was Melba...I wouldn't mind being the cheese on her Melba toast.

This fantasy was interrupted by the squatty person directly in front of me:

"Hi," squatty said, reaching out her hand, "I'm Annette."

"Hello, Annette," I said, eyes darting to find a way out of what should be a downright unbearable conversation, especially given the length of this line. The worst part was that this ruled out Terrence's cute friends as Annette and Melba, since I was guessing that Melba was the sturdy woman gnawing on a turkey bone behind Annette.

"This is my roommate, Melba." Melba nodded, not leaving her bone for even a second. "Do you have a name?"

"Oh, sorry. I'm Chris."

"Are you Terrence's roommate?"

"Uh...yeah."

For the next 15 minutes, Annette told me her life story. Her monologue stated that she grew up on a farm in Michigan, she was a Senior graduating in MFHD, and she was clearly desperate to get engaged.

"I need to get married this year. If I don't get married before I graduate, it may never happen. Girls at my age, 22, are too old to be running around husbandless, when really we need to be at home procreating. It may come as a surprise to you that I've never had a BF, but it's true. But I've got a date on Friday with Terrence, and Melba's going with his roommate, Chris. Which I believe is you."

I nodded.

"But enough about you. Let's go over and talk to Terrence. I know Terrence likes me cause he called me only one day after getting my number and he called me at 7:45 in the morning."

The worst part about meeting new people is that you always run the risk of getting a roper, someone who will rope you in for the rest of the evening. You can make excuses, but unless you plan on leaving altogether, the roper will always find you later. Annette had roped me in, and my only hope was to pawn her off on Terrence. That wasn't entirely bad, as I was still interested in meeting Terrence's friends.

We grabbed our food and sat down next to Terrence and Cute Friends. Of the 2, I was particularly fond of the brunette. She couldn't be claimed as The Hottest Girl in the Ward, but she was a natural beauty, didn't wear much makeup, wore stylish but not trendy clothes, and was definitely marriage material. Terrence stood up when we arrived.

"Oh, hey guys! Siddown, siddown! Chris, I see you've met Annette and Melba. I'd like you to meet my friends, Annie and Brooke." I waved, the girls waved back. Based on the order of introduction, Annie was the name of the brunette, and, as I recall, Annie was one of the 3 girls Terrence had gotten a number from. Annette stared down the 2, not immediately knowing which girl was pouncing upon her suitor. Melba had already stuffed her mouth with potato salad and just nodded to all present. Maybe it was too much time with Terrence, or maybe it was the stink eye that Annette had given her, but Annie seemed pretty happy to welcome a new male to the table.

"Hi! Are you Terrence's roomie?"

"Yeah, that's me. The infamous roommate of Terrence. I trust he's portrayed me in a half-decent light, at least?"

"Oh you know Terrence is way too nice to defame anybody, including people deserving defamation such as yourself." This is nice. It looks like she has a brain and a sense of humor, two things I look for in a woman, not necessarily in that order. Plus, Terrence looked genuinely lost.

Annette piped up. "Chris is my friend, we've known each other for a while," she stated while grabbing my hand and watching Terrence out of the corner of her eye. Terrence had a confused look on his face still. I cringed and pried my hand away, shoving it into my pocket. Annette turned her attention squarely to Terrence. "So, T, what are we going to do on our big date on Friday? I know Chris and Melba are very excited to spend the evening together."

Terrence blushed and half-smiled at Annie, who looked highly amused. "Well, Annette, it's gonna be a surprise."

While Annette and Terrence battled over the details of the upcoming date, Annie looked at me with a mischievous grin and asked, "So, Chris, how long have you and Melba been dating?"

"Oh, you know, for a couple of years now. She waited for me while I was on my mission, and she's been very faithful even though I'm very abusive." Melba's eyes perked up with delight. Annie smiled flirtatiously and I knew she was mine for the taking.

Call me conceited if you will, but there's a moment in every conversation with the opposite sex when you know that the other person wants you. Usually it's just that look in the eye, the shy smile, the subtle raise of the eyebrows. I probably have this moment more than most, of course, because I'm so desirable.

As Annette FCP'ed Terrence (FCP: Verb. Derived from the English phrase Full Court Press. To shower with attention; to need to know everything about someone; to invite to all upcoming activities.), Melba eyed me adoringly, Brooke sat at the table bored stiff, and Annie and I flirted, I wondered whether to ask Annie for her number. You may not think that it's a big deal, but you don't just ask for numbers of girls like Annie. Some points to consider:

1. Annie was a keeper. Attractive, funny, smart, etc. This was no NCMO.
2. Annie is a wardie. She's not going anywhere. No need to rush this.
3. The semester is young. Don't wanna get tied down with a girlfriend until at least November. There are quite a few wardies that are lookers, plus all the girls at the Cougs.
4. I'm young. Don't wanna be the guy that gets married too fast.
5. Terrence got her number and looks interested in her. Do I cut his grass? I'm not his best friend, but I'm still his roommate, there's at least a little bit of loyalty there.

What I'm saying is this: Because Annie is a keeper, I can't lose my chance by acting too fast. If I get her number now, that means I have to call her, which means I have to ask her out, which means I have to date her, which means if I fail in any of these things, I'm a jerk and I've ruined my chance. I'd rather just take it slow. That way, we can build the friendship, maybe keep the tension going for a while and I'll take her out in mid to late October.

Buuuuuuuuuuuut, she's a cutie and she's fun to talk to and she looks like she's interested in me. Should I ask for her number?

SHOULD CHRIS ASK FOR ANNIE'S NUMBER? PLEASE VOTE AND JOIN IN NEXT TIME AS TERRENCE GOES OUT WITH ANNETTE.