Terrence, Chapter 8

As always, thanks for all the comments. I'm trying to make this a book club.

You've probably noticed that I've taken away the "Choose Your Own Terrence" privileges. The problem with writing that way, is that I found myself manipulating the story to try and get the votes I needed for the way I wanted the story to go (if that made sense). Obviously, Chris and Annie are the main characters that "need" to get together, but everybody would just vote for them to get together and then it would be all over. In order to make it entertaining and realistic (in my opinion), the characters have to make a few dumb decisions (frustrating my wife to no end), and you readers would always have them make smart ones.

So the questions remain: Will Terrence learn how to date? Will I even have Chris and Annie get together? Will Anita keep dating Chris? Maybe Chris has a "Melanie" waiting for him in Boston after he graduates! So don't get angry at me for being (somewhat) realistic with the Provo dating scene. I apologize for turning this into a fascist regime, but I still welcome suggestions and commentary. I implemented one of those suggestions in this chapter (Special thanks to Lorana for the idea).

I totally dropped the ball on the potential of Conference Weekend, but it just escaped me. Let's just say they all read the November edition of the Ensign from cover to cover.

Christina nailed what I was going for with the Anita character. Maybe you females out there never encountered her in your wards, but she existed, and us males found them. They were frequently Jekyll and Hyde types, nice in private, beasty in public. But they were always so good-looking, us weaker-willed types were powerless over their beguiling powers, so we kept coming back for more emotional abuse.

Steve Wood is indeed P Steve, Brian. Coolest guy ever. You'll see a lot of him in this chapter.

Vanessa-I'm not living out my fantasies here. This was real life, baby! I wish I was kidding, but I'm not. Okay, maybe a bit exaggerated.

That's enough "Author Response". Here's the previous chapter, if you need to catch up.

Chapter 8

The Dismemberment of P Steve

Wednesday, October 8, 2003

Steve here. Chris is out with Anita tonight, so I'd thought I'd let you all know what's been going on at the ol' apartment. I think Chris told you about our date with the lovely ladies we met at the library? Oh, he didn't? Well, then.

Terrence pulled himself out of his break-up coma just in time to clean himself up and hose down the Cheeto stank for this date I set up for him. I, for one, was extremely pleased with my effort in the "Save The Terrence" campaign. This isn't the first time I've been extremely pleased with myself: In the summer of '99, at the MTC, I ate 15 corn dogs in one sitting. Best day of my life.

I dressed myself in my best plaid cowboy-style retro shirt and designer jeans, not that the library dorks would know the difference, and T had on a sparkling clean forest green polo with knee-length khaki shorts. Chris beamed like a proud mother as he gave T a few extra bucks and a supportive pat on the back. I wished Chris good luck on his lonely Saturday night, asking him one more time if he'd take my place. He politely declined, and we were off.

We made our way down to that magical table in Periodicals, and there were not 2, not 3, but all 4 girls sitting at the table. A very large lump formed in my throat, as I was not prepared to deal with extra nerdlings. They spotted me and all 4 turned to us, braces and pearly whites beaming.

"Hi, Steve!" exclaimed one of the mousier girls, causing a major stir in the previously silent library. She had obviously been looking forward to this date a little too much.

"Hello, ladies," said I, "you all look lovely tonight."

"Why, thank you, Steve," they replied in choir-like unison: one each of soprano, alto, tenor, and bass.

"This is my friend, Terrence," I said, pointing at T.

Terrence was all of the sudden Way Too Cool for this scene. "'Sup," he said, with emphatic indifference, tilting his head back like a supreme jock.

I tried to make up for his coldness. "He's, um, a little shy, especially around such wonderful women as you." They smiled back, which is pretty much like saying "they breathed" at this point. "So, why are all four of you here? We only came prepared to entertain 2 of you."

The alpha-dork stepped up, still brandishing her red butterfly barrette that she'd probably donned on her baptism day and never taken off. "We couldn't decide who was going to be the lucky lady to go with you, so we decided we'd all go."

"Awesome," I replied, trying to sound sincere. "It kind of puts me in an awkward position now, having to choose where to spend my time."

"It can't be as bad as the ravenous fights we had last night in our apartment," said Alpha. "First, I decided that I would go. But Janette here stabbed me in the back with her 6-colored pen and declared that she would be the lucky one, but then Lucy bit her on the ankle, causing her to yelp, after which I grabbed a pie tin, full of pumpkin pie, and flung it back at Janette, but I missed badly and hit Maude, you can see the nasty welt above her right eye."

I waved at Maude, who winked back. Maude was the least desirable of the Zuberdorks, and a little bit on the hefty side. And when I say "a little bit", I really mean "as compared to an oil tanker."

That wasn't it, I found, as Alpha continued. "After Maude took a few good bites of the pie, she grabbed all 3 of us and piled us into the corner, sitting on us all, until we promised good behavior. Which was about 3 hours later. We're pretty stubborn."

"There's no need to fight over me, ladies. After tonight, I'm pretty sure you'll be fighting over Terrence here."

"We doubt it," they replied in unision.

I won't give you every meaningless detail, but I ended up with Janette and Alpha, and Terrence took Maude and Lucy. We decided to keep it low-key and cheap, which meant we were going to the JSB for a free movie my TMA friends told me was showing. We stopped first at the Cougar Eat, to get some 89 cent burritos at the Bell to feed our flock of admirers. Terrence was still playing it cool, not really giving Maude and Lucy much conversation besides one or two word answers. I was a little worried that T was going to ditch me and leave me with all four. Given their aggressive and violent past, I was pretty sure that such a situation would leave me dead or at best in a comatose state.

We walked over to the JSB in the fading dusk, the brisk, cool air filling our nostrils and the colorful leaves crackling beneath our shoes. This was the most romantic 2-on-4 date I'd ever been on. T continued acting too cool for school, walking a step behind while all four still kept their Steve goggles on. I even started being rude, but it didn't work. I was just too charming for my own good.

We bought some microwave popcorn and a caffeine-free Diet Coke in the vending machines, and then found our seats near the back. The film playing was from Japan or China or one of those Asian countries. It was probably about 20 or 30 years old, and it had subtitles. Most of the audience was sitting alone with a notebook, probably staying just long enough to get enough notes for an adequate report in their "Intro to Film" class. I made the mistake of taking that when I was a freshman, thinking that we'd just be watching cool movies in class and taking tests on who played "Midnight" in the movie "Sneakers". Not so. I had to endure a weekly movie that was either old, boring, foreign, unbearably long, or all of the above.

We sat down and the lights dimmed. About 20 minutes in, I felt the touch of a human hand on my left wrist, which wasn't part of the agreement. It turned out to be Alpha, and I got goosebumps, but not the good kind. The kind where you're so scared, you tense up and become like a deer in headlights. I just let her take advantage of my fear, and the next thing I knew, her clammy hand was carressing mine. I was too nice to pull it away, plus, I wasn't exactly used to this bizarro world where the women make the moves. I'd never rejected any girls, cause none had really been interested in me. I was usually the rejectee, not the rejector.

After about 10 minutes of sitting there like a wax figure, I summoned the strength to pull my hand away and fake like my neck itched. Then I folded my arms, tucking my hands in my pits. No possible hand holding now.

It didn't matter, however. Before long, I felt long fingernails lighting scratching my upper right arm. I looked over, and Janette was giving me a sly smile, as if asking me if I wanted more of this intense light scratching. I gave her a "I think that's enough" look, but she didn't get the hint. Meanwhile, Alpha was back at it, starting to rub my neck. It felt good, but I couldn't focus on relaxing while being accosted from both sides. What was most guys' dream was now my nightmare. Janette moved her hand up to my neck, where she was surprised with another hand already at work.

She looked past me at Alpha: "What do you think YOU'RE doing?"

"Back off, sister. I was here first."

"We were here at the SAME TIME," she said, inching closer to Alpha via my lap. I saw her reach into her purse pocket.

"Please not the multi-colored pen!" I gasped.

Too late! A full war was waging over my seat, on top of me, as these 2 Steve-molesters were going at it full-bore. Hair was being pulled, claws were clawing, insults were being thrown, and there was great wailing and gnashing of teeth.

"Man-stealer!"

"Skank!"

"No-good no-gooder!"

"Dirty nerdling!"

These girls certainly needed to work on their insults. They did not, however, need to work on their fighting. They would take me down in a New York minute. That happened, actually, as the weight of 2 angry females and one innocent bystander on one chair caused it to collapse. This created quite a commotion, and the BYU police were there in no time to sort out the details. Alpha and Janette were cuffed and taken away. I was attended to by a cute nursing student who couldn't help but laugh as I told her the story of two angry lovers fighting over me. Let's just end this segment by saying I got her number.

When I finally was let go after I had officially dropped all assault charges, I went back to the JSB to try and find T. The movie was long over, and the auditorium was locked. I walked home, aching all over, but excited that I got the nurse's number. Let's call her Ashley, cause that's her name.

Back at the ranch, I was alone until Chris showed up 30 minutes after midnight.

"Where's Terrence?" he asked. Then he got a better look at me and asked, "What happened to YOU?"

"Alpha and Janette happened."

"Ouch."

"Yeah." Pause. "I have no idea what happened to Terrence. I was taken in by BYU Police. You can probably read about it in 'Police Beat'."

It turned out that T didn't get in until after we went to bed, which was 3:30 AM. I caught up with him after church and asked him what his favorite part of the movie was.

"I dunno. Probably the making out."

I didn't recall any making out in the movie. But, then again, it's hard to pay attention in the middle of an all-out geek war.

T continued, "I'm not sure who was better, Lucy or Maude."

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!? "Are you saying that you kissed both of your dates last night?"

"Not at the same time, no."

"But you kissed them. Both of them. At one time or another."

"Yes."

"When did this happen?"

"Last night."

"I KNOW it was last night. What time? Where? Was the other geek, er, girl there?"

"Yeah, they both were. After the movie, we went over to their place and played 'Spin the Bottle'. At first I thought it was a board game or something. But then it turned out that-"

"I know what Spin the Bottle is. That's just gross, Terrence. You can't be participating in those kissing games, it's just wrong. And weird."

"Hey, I had fun. By the way, are you okay? You look all beat up."

I didn't realize it then, but that was the turning point of Terrence's dating career. Supposedly, he's been out with different girls every night since then, including tonight. I'm not sure what to make of it, but I feel like this is somehow my fault. This is going to end badly. Speaking of ending badly...

Thursday, October 9, 2003

My date with Anita went so perfectly, I was on cloud 9. We went back to IHOP and then over to Johnny B's for some good, clean fun. She laughed at all my jokes, she was fun to talk to, and she was reeling me in. I felt powerless around her, even if she'd do something slightly rude, she'd just smile and I'd let it go. I knew I was under her spell, and I loved it. This was the first time a girl this hot had given me a second date.

Deep in my heart, I was worried that Anita would shrug me off for a newer and sleeker ride as soon as she found one. It was only a matter of time, I kept telling myself, but why not enjoy the view while I'm up so high?

The date ended with a 12-second hug, not that I was counting, but no serious fireworks. She said, "Let's do this again soon," so that was a good sign. I floated back to the apartment and lay in my bed until 5 AM, planning our future life together. First, we'd have a long and painful relationship, dating off and on for a couple of years while she works out her commitment issues. Then, I'd finally convince her to marry me, and we'd move to California where I got a job, and we'd have 3 kids, and we'd hang out with her family and my family and we'd all be super duper great friends and we'd live in a castle in the sky...

ANYWAY.

I'm getting ahead of myself. I need to ground myself by over analyzing this. So I headed over to Annie's to get her take on it.

"Oh, it's you again," Annie said, reluctantly letting me in.

"Nice to see you, too."

"I'm assuming you're over here to discuss your date with Anita?"

"Anita who? I'm here to see you, baby."

She gave me a "Yeah, right" look and walked into the kitchen. "In that case, would you mind helping me with these cookies I'm making?"

Rats! I hate it when the relationship is no longer just about me! She called my bluff and now I'm stuck rolling balls of dough. "Why are we making cookies? For a cute boy you met?"

"No, they're for a Relief Society activity on Saturday. But, I did meet a cute boy the other day."

"Wow! Was it love at first sight?"

"Not really. I was late for a class and walking as fast as I could in my flip-flops when I tripped on a paver in the Quad, sending me and my bag flying." She pointed to her knees, all scabby from road rash.

"That's what you get for not being modest."

"Funny. I was wearing knee-length shorts, but they don't always cover your knees when you're flying through the air."

"You should've thought of that when you decided to show off your legs to the world."

"Anyway. So I'm seriously embarrassed, trying to pick up my stuff while 10 guys with tucked-in t-shirts asked if I needed assistance. I just ignored them and walked away, going at a safer, more reasonable pace. As I'm walking into the HFAC, some guy comes up from behind me and opens the door for me. I look at him and say thanks. He was quite cute. He then says, 'I don't want you tripping and slamming through the glass doors. We just replaced them last week.'"

"Haha. Nice. I like this guy."

"Well, the way he said it, it was so serious, I thought he was serious, so I was offended. Who is this guy? The HFAC Building Maintenance Supervisor? Just because I tripped once, doesn't mean I'm a complete clutz! So I huffed my way out of there, but he caught up to me and said he was joking."

"Obviously."

"It wasn't obvious at the time! Plus, I was in a vulnerable place, not exactly in a mental state for laughter, still trying to flee the scene of total embarrassment. Anyway, his name is Bud, and we got to talking. He is a nice, funny, and cute guy. I gave him my number."

"Bud? Is he from the 50's? Who names their kid 'Bud' anymore? Why didn't his parents just name him 'Guy' or 'Dude'? Nobody named Bud is going to call you. I'm pretty sure his rotary phone from the 50's doesn't work anymore. Is he going to call the operator and say, 'Give me Annie!'"

"Have you been working on your material? You watch, I will be Mrs. Bud before the year is up."

I could tell then that my interest in Annie had waned, because the thought of her getting married didn't bring any pain to my heart. Maybe a small twinge in my pinky toe, but nothing in the general abdominal area. I was all into Anita now, and it was a high-risk, high-reward venture I was more than willing to take.

IS CHRIS REALLY OVER ANNIE? OR IS HE JUST BLINDED BY ANITA? IS TERRENCE JUST TURNING INTO A PLAYER? AND WILL STEVE HAVE ANY LUCK WITH ASHLEY? DISCUSS AMONGST YOURSELVES!