We were at Babies "R" We the other day, and I was letting Hendrik crawl around while Melanie studied various car seats for the better part of an hour. The Babies R We crowd is very similar to the Utah crowd, which is to say that everybody around has their own babies and they don't think that other babies are all that cute or amazing. Hench would approach people, as is his custom, and climb up on their leg, looking up for a little hint of humanity. Some people were amused, others gave me this look like "How dare you let your child crawl around in here and touch me! Do you realize how many germs he has!!! For shame!" This one particular grandma gave him a little more attention.
"Oh, how cute! How old is he?"
"11 months."
"Oh, wow! He's so tiny! My grandson is 4 months old and is also his size! He's growing like 2 inches a week!"
Then, the Babies R We employee assisting them also put in her 2 cents: "Oh, yes! What a little peanut!"
"Yes!" said the grandma, "a little peanut! Are you a little peanut? Yes, you are! Come here, peanut!"
End of conversation.
Let me just put this on the record: There is nothing more annoying that boisterous parents/g-parents when discussing the size of their chunky offspring, especially when comparing to other kids. It's like they take personal credit that their kid has a slow metabolism or whatever else causes fat babies to be fat. They like to extrapolate their kid's size, thinking they will be 6'9 offensive linemen or whatever it is that large women aspire to be (plus-size models? talk-show hosts? birthing machines? garbage-women?). They like to pass judgment on the parents of smaller kids, whispering to their spouses, "Do they even feed him? Can they not afford food? Are they just spending all of their money on booze? They probably lock their kid in the closet when they go boozing! What awful parents!"
They might as well just come out and say it: "My baby is larger than your baby, and, therefore, better. That is a direct result of my superior parenting, which implies that I am a better parent and, therefore, a better person than you are or probably will ever be. I win. I win at life."
In full disclosure, Hendrik is not a small baby. He's average. 50 percentile in height and weight. I have no room to brag or complain. I point that out to everybody who says he's big ("Actually, he's exactly average."), or small ("HE'S NOT A &#%$ PEANUT!!!"), if I have the chance. The grandma who says her grandson is 22 pounds at 4 months is probably either batty or blind (or both), so I didn't bother clarifying that Hendrik isn't a "peanut", in fact, he's an orange, which seems to be an average-size food.
Hendrik also eats ridiculous amounts of food, so much that we have to just stop feeding him when we think he's had enough, otherwise he'll just keep eating. We thought he'd be bigger than average, but it turns out that the food just goes in one end and out the other.
If he was huge, I'd probably be taking personal credit for his hugeness and rubbing it in all the sad sacks' faces that my kid was destined to a successful life without need for step stools or platform shoes, and their kid will probably give into a life-threatening disease as a direct result of their poor parenting (calm down-this is a joke).
Actually, I wouldn't. I made a pact to myself before Hendrik was born that I would never brag about the things that I couldn't take credit for. Which is pretty much everything, because I don't do any parenting. I just give a lot of "performance feedback" for my wife. So I'll just take credit for how great of a mom she is.
9 comments:
It's true, I'm an awesome mom.
Oh yeah, because of Kent and all his wonderful support. And it is annoying how often people comment on Hendrik's size, although there doesn't seem to be a common consensus. Some people think he's huge, other people, apparently crazy grandparents (not his) think he's a "peanut." I think I'll introduce these people to Hendrik's cousins Camille and Mindy who can honestly claim the title of "peanut."
Kent, my 5 month old baby is 20 pounds now. He's awesome. I win at life.
And seriously that is exactly how I feel about my sis in law who does that all the time. Saying how ginormous her kid is and acting like it's so annoying when you know shes actually proud. Kind of like how Barney brags about himself like it's annoying...
"Man, the courtside Knicks’ seats available to all upper-level GNB employees are too close to the action. I keep getting sweat on my suit. It SUCKS!"
My kids are all small. This makes them cuter. I win at life.
I don't know why baby size is directly linked to parental competence. It actually seems to start at birth- if you deliver a 10-lb baby who is redder than a beet, you are waaaaay more awesome than if you have a 7 lb one. I do love fat babies because it gives me a false sense of security that they'll be healthier and sleep better (which naturally, benefits me). But I've only had 1 fat baby and he stopped being fat around 9 months. All of my kids are 50th perc. or lower in weight at that point but I chalk it up to fabulous Hansen metabolism and resign myself to changing more stinky diapers than others. Which really should qualify me as a great parent.
Great post though, really funny. You should blog more. I know, I can hardly give this advice since I haven't updated my blog in eons but that's because I don't have anything clever or witty to say.
So here's my two cents. Jan was 20 lbs. at 4 months. What can I say--the boy loved and still loves to eat. Mindy amazes me with how much she doesn't care about eating. But here's a pathetic story. I was in the store one day with Camille. This woman asked how old she was and then proceeded to compare the size of my child with hers (ANY child will beat Camille in size). I felt like telling her Camille's entire health history and pointing out how ridiculous it was for her to be comparing sizes, but I refrained. The woman was not small herself--bigger people tend to have bigger babies and how is that a surprise?
I agree with JoEllen--you should post more.
Oh yeah--in the interest of full disclosure, I should say that I have taken too much credit for the size of my children in the past (even if they were just average) but Camille and Mindy have taught me some humility.
This post was dead on. I make a real effort never to say anything about a kids size just because of comments people used to make about Charlie all the time. Oh and also how obsessed people were when he wasn't wearing shoes, even though he clearly was way to young to need them. So size and shoes, I never comment. Maybe I win at life for being so non judgemental. haha.
I'm guessing this is one of those things I'll understand when I'm apparent. Er, a parent.
I found the opposite to be true.... people with smaller babies making comparisons about how chub Leah was. Personally I think it's all preposterous. I could never imagine feeling superior towards someone else's baby because of its size---so I guess I never assumed people were being snide towards me when they made comparisons. Just making observations.
Oh, and I'd be thrilled if this next babe wasn't such a LOAD to heave around.
I guess what I'm really trying to say is, who the hell is judgy about baby sizes??
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