The Cougs are playing the Cougs tonight. The ol' BYU-Chicago St Cougar rivalry. I decided to write a blogpost about my 2 alma maters facing off because it was such a historic game. You don't remember me going to Chicago State? Well, Chicago State was one of the 2 schools that I graduated from "In Mine". Iowa State was the one I mentioned in my post last year, but Chicago State was another school I attended to turn around its pathetic program. We won 4 NCAA tournament championships, and I averaged 50 points a game.
Tonight's announcers: Dave McCann and Andy Toolson. Dave is my favorite announcer this side of Todd Christensen's hair, and Andy Toolson has been known to say things like "You have to really like Charles Abouo's body." Should be easy targets.
One of tonight's subplots: the budding rivalry between Davies, who started Game 1, and Hartsock, who started Game 2. The animosity between these 2 goes way deeper than race. I'm pretty sure they both dated the same girl over the summer.
There are 2 Collinsworths on the team, brothers. To avoid confusion, I'll just clump them into one person. In fact, I could probably combine all of the white players into one person except for Jimmer.
Jimmer opens the game with a deep 3! Dave says he's in range past the halfcourt line. I think this would offend Jimmer.
Hartsock clangs a baseline jumper off the side of the backboard. Davies taunts him from the sideline: "Nice shot, Mr. Bad Shot!" High fives all around.
Hartsock gets yanked after missing a 10 foot J. However, Davies doesn't come in, they put in the tremendously lurpy Anderson. A note about Anderson: He runs like a Yeti, like he's about to fall down every other step. I'm guessing the other Cougs have a hard time keeping straight faces while running suicides.
I love the commercials on BYUTV. There's only like 2, and they're all just pushing other programs on BYUTV. I'm pretty sure today's main audience isn't interested in "Scrapbooking Workshop".
Collinsworth with a 2-handed jam! Makes all of us white boys proud. "He's gone from knockin' on doors to knockin' down dunks!" says Dave. I have no idea what he's talking about.
I think it would be pretty great if these BYUTV broadcasts would openly preach. Since they don't have sponsors, they could have free throws and plays of the game brought to us by scriptures: "This free throw is brought to you by Helaman 5:12, which reminds all of us that it is upon the rock of Christ we much build our faith. Now let me tell you, Andy, I know for myself how true that scripture is, and I know that you can lead a fulfilling life by following those words of council." "I couldn't agree more, Dave, as it reminds me of when I was on my mission and..."
After a few Wet Willies and noogies, Coach Rose puts Zylstra in between Davies and Hartsock on the bench. Coach is this close from turning this car around right now, Mister.
Jimmer nails another 3, 22-6 for the Cougs! Melanie lets her opinion be known: "Jimmer is the stupidest name." A weekly tradition!
Jimmer already with 12 points, 4-4 FG, 3-3 3P with 12 minutes left. He's already thinking 100 points. Toolson talks about his great passing. Jimmer leads the NCAA in "begrudging assists".
Dave calls CSU "the visiting Cougars" and "the Green Cougars". I think he's out of adjectives.
BYU goes to a zone. Is it fair to call any defensive scheme "racist"? I guess any man-to-man defense against BYU is probably racist.
Announcers discussing the lack of diversity on CSU, as almost the whole team is from Chicago. What about that white guy they got from Orem, Utah, a few years back who led them to 4 championships in a row? What about that diversity?
Davies comes in finally. Hartsock hurls insults from the sideline. This is getting ugly.
CSU throws up an airball from downtown. About 2 jerks from the student section chant "Airball! Airball!" for 5 seconds before they realize we're up 34-13.
Davies get hammered inside by 3 CSU big guys. Hartsock seen cheering wildly from the sideline.
Dave previews the upcoming broadcasts on BYUTV. Then he fairly mentions the upcoming schedule for CSU, for all 0 of their fans who even realize their team's playing a game on TV tonight.
Abouo clanks his second wide-open 3. There's a REASON you're always open out there, buddy. And it's not because you've got a nice body.
Davies hits 2 tough shots and smirks in Hartsock's direction. Davies picks up a foul and Hartsock takes off his warm-ups and goes to the scorer's table before Coach pulls him back to the bench.
Fredette with a throwdown! The crowd goes wild! We haven't had a white guard who could dunk since...well, since Joseph Smith posterized David Whitmer in a pickup game in Nauvoo.
Hartsock comes in for Davies. No jokes here, strictly informational.
A BYUTV commercial profiles a Pinewood Derby with Cub Scouts galore. Some bitter memories for me, taking last place and crying in the corner in my only Pinewood Derby.
Highlights from a BYU women's game with 10 parents in the stands. They should play in a church gym so it doesn't feel so empty. I'd volunteer to operate the scoreboard, like I did in church ball.
Fredette nails another 3 from deep. In the back of his head: "4-5 from 3, 1-3 from 2, 3 assists, 2 rebounds, 2-3 FT, 16 points. Get me the freaking ball!"
Emery with a steal and a dunk. That ties the NCAA mark for Improbable White Guy Dunks in a game (3). Someone get the ball to Zylstra on the break!
All the starters are sitting and we've got a white-wash on the court (all 5 white guys). Excellent time to show off our polished fundamentals and 3-point shooting!
CSU hits 2 contested 3's in a row, bringing the lead down to 29. Bring in the black guys!
Halftime: 60-29. Coach Rose is seething: "The score should be 80-0!" Jimmer, about his 17 points: "Oh, 17 points? I didn't notice. I never do. I just care if we win." Sure, Jimmer.
Today's halftime segment is about Hartsock's courting of some volleyball chick. Fast-forward! I end up sitting through it, the chick tells it in typical BYU chick style (I swear I'm not really exaggerating, for reals guys): "All his friends wanted me and I didn't want any of them because I'm totally hot. He totally wanted me, I hated him, I didn't want to date an RM cause I didn't want to get married, because you know that every RM would marry me because I'm totally hot. But he swindled me into it and I've never been happier." Their kids are going to be 9'6" monsters.
They ask the chick a bunch of questions about him, and she gets them all wrong.
Hartsock nailed her ideal vacation location ("Bahamas"). Of course he did.
She was just asked which show to DVR a week, and I was surprised she didn't answer "the scriptures". Real answer: "Pickers". How non-Mormon of her!
BYU's lead going into the 2nd half: 60-29. You know Coach Rose's halftime speech was focused on maintaining the 2x lead and scoring 100: "Press! 3's! Stats! If the shot clock goes under 25, you're all benched!"
CSU's coach after halftime: "We just have to work on getting better." AKA, "we have no chance and I hope we don't lose by 50."
Davies hands a CSU player a 20 dollar bill and points at Hartsock. "Watch out for number 33, Noah!" yells his self-proclaimed super hot wife.
Emery bricks a 3 to open the half. Coach Rose looks agitated.
Abouo fakes a 3. Nobody flinches.
Davies misses a gimme layup, Hartsock taunts him from the bench.
Only 9 points so far this half in 4 minutes. Coach Rose calls a time-out and chews everybody out. "Good timeout here," says Toolson. "Can't let this game get away from them."
Jimmer's dad shows up in the booth. Seems like a good guy. Which, of course, leads to no jokes here. He does plug a local restaurant, but I got nothin'.
Nice move from Davies along the baseline. After, he celebrates by walking over to the bench and punching Hartsock in the face.
Jimmer hits his average and Coach pulls him. And people say that coaches don't care about stats.
Melanie makes fun of the Collinsworth brothers: "Collinsworth to Collinsworth, and Collinsworth passes back to Collinsworth. Collinsworth drives to the basket and dishes to Collinsworth. Collinsworth with the assist and Collinsworth with the basket!" Ladies and Gentlemen, Melanie Hansen! She'll be here all week.
Mel makes sure that I don't make her sound like a typical woman who says, "Their uniforms are so pretty!"
Zylstra cans a 3, and BYU's up 93-44. BYU needs to let my brother Brian in the booth to do his Marv Albert. "Zylsta. For 3. Yes!" I'd say that the only thing better than Brian's Marv is Marv himself, but even Marv has to admit that Brian's Marv is better than his own.
I vote that when the game gets out of hand, they stop shooting free throws.
CSU puts in their only white guy. And he's matched up against our only black guy, who scores over him. Our token is better than your token!
CSU mounts a furious comeback, 99-58. Coach calls a timeout to calm everybody down. The crowd starts leaving, realizing that a 2x victory is out of reach.
The other Collinsworth throws it down! That breaks the record for Improbable White Guy Dunks!
Final score: 109-60. Real hard-fought game, but the better team pulls it out. We'll see you next time.
8 comments:
I don't like posts about BYU sports--they don't interest me. So I didn't read this. But it's been so long since you've posted anything, it felt wrong not to comment.
Plus I feel a little out of touch with your family lately. So hi. And tell your wife hi, too. And Hendo. Mostly your wife though cause I like her best.
First of all, I don't say "Jimmer is the stupidest name," I say, "Who would call their kid Jimmer?" I mean really, of all the nicknames you could give a James, why Jimmer? It makes him sounds like an back-woods, hillbilly, idiot.
And I would like some credit for being able to watch sports and make some intelligent comments...
Vanessa, I think you should go back and read it, there's got to be something you can really comment on. You're hilarious...I think you owe it to the rest of the world to give it a shot. I mean what else do you have to do while waiting for that baby?
I didn't realize the basketball season had even started, so thanks for the heads up. Although I did have to check to make sure this game really happened.
I didn't realize you were a Chicago St. Alum! Maybe you can shed light on their schedule - of their 29 games, 20 are on the road! What's up with that? Is this a real team, or are other teams just not willing to venture that deep onto the south side of Chicago?
Finally. The world desperately needs more posts like this. The Joseph Smith-David Whitmer line was pure hilarity.
I was disappointed we didn't win by 60.
You know Jimmer is keeping complete track of his stats--during the game. He probably knows his line better than Brian, you or I did during our Twerps versus Craig games. And there's nothing wrong with Jimmer doing that. He's our best player since, well, since Captain Moroni LIT IT UP against the pathetic Ammoronites year after year. I hope Jimmer averages close to 30 a game this year, and I predicted before the season began he'd get over 120 three's this year. So far, so good.
I don't get BYUTV. Bummer.
I, too, thought the David Whitmer-Joseph Smith line was the best until I realized that David Whitmer never went to Nauvoo. Kent, Surely you meant Kirtland. That's where the best-documented pickup games were in early church history.
So I read this again because of how bored I am now that school's out for the week and Alice is practicing the piano (meaning I can't) and I've read all the sports articles I'd like to read, and this post scores surprisingly high on the re-laughability scale.
I will now give a plug for this post for all the chumps that skipped straight to the comments to get the gist of it.
Snippets of new jokes I enjoyed: "...and it's not because you've got a nice body."
"Someone get the ball to Zylstra on the break!"
"...taking last place and crying in the corner in my only Pinewood Derby."
Coach Rose's halftime speech: "Press! 3's! Stats! If the shot clock goes under 25, you're all benched!"
"...I'd volunteer to operate the (women's game) scoreboard, like I did in church ball."
(Side note: Ralph was actually AT that exact women's game, and said at halftime he played speed on the court with all 15 fans. Seriously. He went to the women's game so he could go to 3 BYU games in one day.)
"CSU puts in their only white guy, and he's matched up against our only black guy, who scores over him. Our token is better than your token!"
Great post, even if you displayed a little BS influence.
C'mon. What's wrong with a little BS influence. At least it's not profane.
My Marv has faded. I'm way out of practice. So I don't deserve your generous compliment, sadly.
That posterizing is probably what REALLY led to David Whitmer's apostasy.
Breaking down Jimmer's assists into "begrudging" ("BA") and "non-begrudging" ("NBA"), his BA is now 4.8. His NBA is a solid 0.0.
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