Mathlete of the Year

There's no way to write this post without sounding like I'm bragging ("Kent, that's not true!  We all know you're the most humble guy in the world--you tell us all the time!"), so I'll just come right out and say it:  I was the Utah State Math Champion for my 8th and 9th grade years.

Bragging about winning math competitions is similar to bragging about your comic book collection.  Nobody's really that impressed, if anything, they think less of you.  Of course, if it was an athletic achievement, like winning State back in '82, everybody would be impressed, but also think less of you for bragging about it.  Nobody really thinks you're bragging if you admit to winning a math competition; it's more of a confession, like fessing up to owning all of the Star Trek seasons on DVD.  What a nerd!

You'd think that my dear, sweet, loving wife would appreciate my math abilities more.  She doesn't.  She brings up my math trophies when we're all trying to one-up each other in hilarious stories.  "Yeah, you should see Kent's math trophy collection!  It's just a bunch of triangles!!!"  "Bwaaaahahhahahahahahahahahah!!!"  Or, if I try to impress someone with my stories of mathematical prowess, Melanie just touches me on the shoulder and says, "Kent, dearie, no one wants to hear about your stupid math contests.  Now be a moose and freshen up my drink.  Please don't ever talk to our guests again."

Nobody appreciates my genius.  I shall now create a death ray and kill you all.  I feel like Megamind.

Okay, that's not true.  My brother Brian appreciates my genius.  He was, after all, my mentor.  It was 6th grade, and Brian was competing in something called "Mathcounts", a national association of math nerds who have contests to see who's the nerdiest.  He was doing well, in fact, he won State in '92, but it was in math, not football.  They flew him out to DC to compete at the national level.  He won the national title, a huge scholarship, and went on to found Microsoft.  You know him now as "William Gates".  

Okay, that's not true, but he did win State, and it was '92.  I was super jealous of him.  Not that he won State, but that he got to fly on an airplane and stay in a hotel.  I'd never flown on an airplane.  The closest I'd been was watching my brothers leave on their missions in an airplane.  I'd never stayed in a hotel.  The nicest place I'd stayed at was a Motel 6, that time in Cheyenne when I got the spot on the floor next to the TV.  I heard that at hotels you get your own bed!

I was super motivated to get that plane ride, so I asked Brian to show me the way of the math nerds.  Brian was naturally good at nerdiness, it was a skill he'd been working on his entire life.  He read encyclopedias for fun, had an obsession with statistics and whales (obvious correlation there), and was shrimpy and wore huge glasses, so he looked the part, too.  Being a jock like Homer Simpson, my natural enemies were the nerds, and so I'd spent the better part of elementary school making fun of them.  I had no idea that I would become one of them.

The first thing Brian did was to get me out of my 6th grade math class and into Pre-Algebra at the Jr High school.  This would allow me to start Algebra in 7th grade and Geometry in 8th grade, which is key to winning Mathcounts, a competition for 7th and 8th graders only.  Taking Algebra in 7th grade completely destroyed my social well-being.  7th graders had their lunch after 3rd period to reduce the beatings the 8th and 9th graders would dole out, since they had lunch after 4th period.  Since Algebra, a class for 8th graders, was in 4th period, I had to eat with them.  I knew absolutely no one in my lunch period except my brother Brian and my friend Baldwin.

Brian got me into the math club, I think it was called "ACE" or something nerdy.  They met after school and did practice tests.  This was disappointing.  Staying after school to do more school?  Jocks like me don't "do" school, we leave as soon as possible to play pick-up basketball and football games in the 'hood, and maybe even take off our shirts if some lovely ladies walk by. 

Nonetheless, I went to the club meetings.  I took the practice tests.  I learned new concepts and practiced faster ways of solving problems.  We did our first competition, which was some mail-in test.  I did surprisingly well in it and I remember Brian being especially surprised at my success.  "You're pretty smart for a dumb jock," he said.  "Maybe you don't need to rely on your specimen of a body to get into college after all."  I'm paraphrasing, it was a long time ago.

Later, it was time for the Mathcounts tryouts.  Each school could only have 1 team of 4 nerds, and an alternate.  I was hoping to make the team, but the nerds I was up against had awesome pedigrees:

1.  Bryon Clark - he'd been shunning sports since elementary and was the worst softball player ever, so you knew that kid was crazy smart.
2.  Bart Llewellyn - Mad uncoordinated and into all sorts of nerd stuff, like Star Trek and comics
3.  Chuck Wood - Really, that's his name.  Chuck "How Much Wood Could a Woodchuck if a Woodchuck Could Chuck" Wood.  Uberdork, plus he was in my ward so I had to endure a few campouts with him.
4.  Jason Maas - 8th grader, I didn't know him at all.  Seemed nerdy enough.
5.  Brett Gilbert - Only slightly nerdy.  No glasses and followed sports, so there was no way he was making the team.
6.  Michael Bateman - I'd been making fun of this kid my whole life, even beat him up once or twice in elementary.  Now he was looking for payback, nerd-style.
7.  A few other inconsequential nerds with thick glasses that were never heard from again.  Maybe a girl or 2, as well, but everyone knows that the female brain is smaller, so they didn't have a shot.  It's science.

I can't remember what I placed, but I made the team.  It was me, Jason, Brett, and I think Bryon.  As they called the members of the team, they deliberately called me last, as I was the controversial jock.  There was a lot of heresay about affirmative action and my qualifications, but all unsubstantiated.  I smiled smugly as I walked to the podium to take my place with the team.  "Take that, nerds!" I thought.

We went to the region competition, which was Utah County and some remote neighboring ones.  I took 2nd place to Jason, who turned out to be very smart, but of course he had a year on me.  All of the regional winners got to go to a banquet in SLC, which featured a 3-course meal.  The faculty advisory, Miss Price, must have thought my parents didn't feed me because I finished off everybody's leftovers at the table, including the salad and of course the dessert.  I thought it was the best meal ever and didn't even care if I went to DC, this banquet was reward enough.

State was in March, I think.  I was a nervous wreck.  It was up in Sandy somewhere and super early in the morning.  I took the tests and took 9th place, before the Countdown round.  In the countdown round, they take the top 10 and then 10 goes head to head against 9, and the winner then goes head to head against 8, etc.  The top 4 get to go to DC to represent Utah.  I beat the 10th place dude, but then lost to the 8th place dude, and that was that.  No State trophies for me.  Jason didn't make it to the top 10, I believe.

But it was only 7th grade!  I still had one more year.  Miss Price created a special class for us, called "Math Excel" and about 10 nerdbags were invited to be in it.  I was easily the coolest of the math nerds, which is like saying a restaurant is the healthiest of the fast-food chains, but nonetheless, still cool.

Math Excel was insane.  We took all sorts of tests and did practice problems, discussing the fastest way to solve problems.  It was all so nerdy, but I found it invigorating.  This led me to challenge the very core of who I was.  Was I really a nerd at heart?  I'd been playing sports since I could walk, does this mean I've been fooling myself this whole time?  Everyone knows you can't be smart AND athletic.

In the end, it paid off.  I took 2nd at Regions again, this time Brett Gilbert was my nemesis who beat me.  This was a surprise to me, as Brett's nerdiness was at limited capacity.  It turns out, however, that he was ridiculously smart and had taken great strides in the Math Excel class.  Bryon and Chuck made up the rest of our team that year, and we were hoping to take the school trophy, beating those douchebags from Butler Middle School who won it every year.

When State came around (after another delicious banquet), I was even more a nervous wreck.  This was it, I'd been training all year for this, and it all comes down to this.  We took the tests first off and I felt horrible about it.  When they announced the top 10, I was praying I was in the top 5.  Number 4 was called off: Some dude from Oak Canyon, Jeff Something, was 4th place.  I was stoked about that because I knew Jeff Something from soccer, and he was a fellow jock.  Us jocks were really breaking down barriers that year.

I was sure that I was in the top 10, and since I wasn't called yet, I figured I was in, but still was nervous.  3rd place:  Kent Hansen!  I was in!  I was going to DC!  I don't even care about the Countdown round, I'm in baby! 2nd place: Brett Gilbert.  1st place:  Ashley Warner!

WHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?!?!?!

A girl!  No way!  She must've been cheating!  Or a Sederbergian nerd-bag.  She stood up and acknowledged her awesomeness.  It turns out that she was hot!  A hot girl that wins a math competition?  My world was turned upside-down.  I questioned everything.

I was determined to not lose to a girl.  Before, I didn't care about the Countdown round, but now, I had to beat Ashley.  The Countdown round began.  Darren Raggozine, the epitome of nerds, was 10th place, and he worked his way all the way down to a competition with Jeff Something.  I was rooting hard for Jeff; I'd much rather hang out with Jeff than this Darren loser.  But Darren won.  He seemed invincible.  Now I had to face him, or get the crappy 4th place, which doesn't even get a triangle trophy.  They put the questions on an overhead projector and had buzzers in front of us.  First one to answer correctly wins the point, best of 5 format.

I swept Darren, 3-0.  Take that, nerd.  I'll save the physical beatings for DC.

Then it was my good buddy Brett.  I'd been facing off against him all year.  I swept him, too.  Turns out I'm a ruthless assassin.

Finally, it was Ashley. Her long legs were tantalizing.  I'd been in the presence of such a beauty before, but never accompanied by any sign of intelligence.  It was quite intimidating.

I got the first one right.  She got the second one.  I got the third.  I got the fourth.

It was all over baby!  I won it!  HAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!  (crowd noises)  UTAH STATE MATH CHAMPION!

I was so happy, so proud of myself.  I went to church the next day and told my friends.  They laughed at me.  Nobody cared.  I cried in the corner.

As it turned out, we lost by only a few points to Butler Middle School, even though both me and Brett placed in the top 3.  Bryon placed 8th or something, I think.  It turned out that Chuck scored terribly and cost us the title, which meant we had to go with the Butler teacher, instead of cool Miss Price.  Stupid Butler!  Here's the original story.  It was obviously submitted by someone from Butler, because it failed to mention that while Ashley won the individual test score, I stomped her brains out in the Countdown round, which is like writing an article about the baseball season as if the Phillies won, because they had the best regular season record, instead of the Cardinals, which won the World Series. 

Miss Price did end up going to DC with us, although I think she paid for it.  The plane ride was everything I dreamed about.  I had no idea what to bring, so I packed my ghetto blaster and a bunch of my tapes in my duffel bag.  We stayed at a Sheraton somewhere near DC.  Me and Brett shared a room, but then because Ashley was a GIRL, she got her own room and they brought in a cot and Mr. Darren Raggozine.  He snored like a pig.  It was okay, though, because I stayed up late and watched rated R movies on HBO.  They kinda freaked me out, and I repented immediately.

Miss Price and the Butler doucher teacher pretended like we had a chance at nationals, so we got together a few times before to "practice".  I couldn't care less about it.  The prize for the top person was like a 20K scholarship or something, but that was so unlikely that I didn't even bother.  The kids that win national do math problems for fun.  I wasn't one of those kids.  So we took the tests and I took 112th out of 224 kids, right smack-dab in the middle.  The other Utahns, including that skank nice girl Ashley, did much worse than I, like they weren't even trying or something.  We took 42nd out of 56, because the territories (like Puerto Rico and Virgin Islands) were invited, too.

KSL-5 came out and did a news story on us.  They asked us a bunch of questions but I only remember one, since my answer showed up on the news.  The question was, "Do you think you'll win?"  I felt like a coach at NW Boondocks State, being asked if his team had a chance against Notre Dame.  "Uhh...no way in fetchin' heck."  What I actually said was "It's pretty darn tough, I don't think we'll win."  The news story then said, "It turned out to be tougher than that, as they took 42nd place!"  Then it cut away to the anchors talking.  "What a bunch of losers.  Disgrace to our state.  Isn't that right, Karen?"  "Yes, they certainly don't look very smart.  Only one of the kids had glasses, and that girl looked too pretty to be using her brain."

So, we lost.  Badly.  I didn't care at all.  The food was delicious, we got to tour the city, and ride a plane.  I even made friends with Ashley by the end, and we made out in her room (just kidding!).

You may recall that I said I was the Utah math champion in 9th grade, as well.  Well, there is an official Utah State Math Contest which is run by various universities every year.  The rewards weren't as cool, but there were nice banquets involved.  You can see the results here, and you can see that I won the Weighted Scores for the Junior Exam (grades 7-9), and took 2nd in the unweighted scores, which no one cares about.  You can also see that I won the 1994 unweighted score title, which counted more at the time.  You can also see my nemesis Darren (I've been spelling his name wrong on purpose), my buddy Brett, and my brother Kurt in the Junior Exam Results.  My mentor Brian, also showed up in the top 4 for the Senior Exam.  The state math competition wasn't as exciting as Mathcounts.

I gave up participating in most math contests in high school, mostly for the reason that I had nothing left to prove and the prizes weren't that great.  I had a Pre-Calculus class as a sophomore which really sucked all of my math enjoyment out.  I was pretty sure that I was going to be a DJ at that point.  However, finding myself as an IT consultant working with massive amounts of data, it turns out I was a nerd all along.  Time to embrace it, finally.