It's like finding out that my favorite love song was written about a sandwich

We went to a chick flick on Saturday night, "27 Dresses". Ever since I got married, I've realized that chick flicks are just something that comes with the wife package. I used to kick against the pricks and try to steer clear of them at all costs, but that's just a losing battle, and I decided that if I embraced them then my life would be much happier.

So that's what I did. Now we spend our Saturdays on the couch watching chick flicks on Lifetime or Oxygen or ABC Family or whatever she can find. Well, Mellif watches them and I play Civ IV next to her, but I still know more or less what's going on in the movie. It's really a win-win because I can play my game and she can watch her movies and we can still spend time together.

Since I've seen so many in the last year, I've figured out the Chick Flick Formula. I will now give you the synopsis of a typical chick flick:

Movie starts with the Main Chick (we'll call her MC), a pretty (but not hot) and likable chick, and she's running into her fast-paced, exciting job (usually a writer for some magazine), talking with her best friend--probably Joan Cusack or a Joan Cusack-type--about MC's lack of a dating life. Of course, MC has no time for love and barely believes in love because one or both of her beloved parents died and she had a serious boyfriend who dumped her two years ago at the altar and her heart has died.

Then we cut to the Main Dude (MD), who is your Prototypical Dude That Chicks Dig, like a McDreamy or a McConnanononaughy or a DeCappuccino. He is nice to his mother, has a dog, has a non-threatening friend and usually they play an awkward game of basketball bordering on homoerotic.

Eventually they meet. Of course, MD is instantly wild about MC, but she's not having any of it. She's a big fat huge jerkstore to him, but he is persistent and eventually she agrees to a date or whatever. On the date MD shows off his impressive wit and MC starts to be charmed by him.

This is when we see the "Love Montage", with a happy-go-lucky song in the background while the couple prances around town, goes sailing, has a picnic in the park, visits the elderly, and does all those romantic things that most of us plan to eventually do but don't because it requires WAY too much effort.

Soon after the Love Montage, we know that the relationship is headed for the "Trial of Love" because we're only an hour in and how are we gonna kill the next hour if they ride into the sunset now? The Trial of Love starts when either the chick or the dude finds out something about the other that is A COMPLETE DEAL-BREAKER, NO WAY ARE WE OVERCOMING THIS AND DON'T EVEN TRY TO TALK TO ME ABOUT THIS BECAUSE I REFUSE TO LISTEN TO YOUR EXPLANATION YOU BIG FAT STINKIN JERKSTORE AND I WILL NEVER ANSWER MY PHONE SO GO AHEAD AND LEAVE 5 BILLION MESSAGES WHILE I SIT NEXT TO THE ANSWERING MACHINE WITH A PATHETIC LOOK ON MY FACE.

This is my least favorite part about the Chick Flick Formula. Not so much that something goes wrong, but the fact that the injured party absolutely refuses to talk about it, it's just over and that's that. At this point, it's so cliche and stupid, I hate this part. Why can't one of them just "have their doubts" and break up with the other? That's what always happens in real life.

The only way to overcome the Trial of Love is through some super thoughtful gift or phrase that makes the injured party remember their dead mother and how she would just want her daughter to be happy. It still takes a while for this to kick in, usually not until Joan Cusack or the Joan Cusack-type talks some sense into her friend and that's when we come to the 2nd-to-the-last-scene, which I like to call The Running Scene.

This, in my opinion, is the most essential part of the Chick Flick Formula. We all know the Running Scene, the scene where one person is on their way to the airport, or they're at the altar, or they're just sitting at home but for some reason they're in a huge rush to go find the other person and confess their true love. And then make-out. I like to make the running motion while this scene takes place just to aggravate Mel.

The last scene is the feel-good wedding scene where all the likable characters throughout the movie show up, and it's always at some super beautiful place like the beach or next to a lake or on top of a mountain and everybody's super happy and everything's picture perfect. Even the Joan Cusack-type is showing interest in the non-threatening friend of MD. Sometimes it's not a wedding scene, but it's a get-together of some sort. Same diff.

4 other essential parts of the chick flick:

1. The Raunch Beast. Usually in love with MD. She wears too much make-up, acts like a spoiled brat, has a false sense of entitlement, and is very selfish in general. Every woman in the audience wants to slap her silly. Mellif gets a look of pure hatred during these parts that would make even Satan himself shudder. If I tell Mellif I think the Raunch Beast is pretty, she is insulted to the very core and won't talk to me. I've only made this mistake a couple of times. Now even if I do think she's pretty, I pretend she's not by pointing out some unimportant superficial flaw, like "her eyes are too far apart" or "her chin is too manly".
2. The Cringe Moment. This is when MC does something awfully embarrassing, usually trying to impress the man they love. Every woman in the theater tenses up and puts their hands close to their eyes just in case they have to look away.
3. It has to be tied to NYC in some way. I'm sick of every movie being in New York, it's getting old.
4. Me asking Mellif every 5 minutes during the movie, "Is it True Love yet?"

I think my absolute favorite part of the chick flick is right when the lights come on. All the chicks are standing up with HUGE smiles on their faces, ready to believe in love and attack the nearest male and shower them with affection. This makes sitting through them more tolerable.

With that said, I can't wait for "Definitely, Maybe" to come out in a month.