The Only Time Egg Salad Is Cool At School

Happy Easter Everyone!

We hope the Easter Bunny visits all your homes and treats you well.

I really like Easter. I'm not sure what it is about it. I mean, I like a lot of the holidays, but for some reason when I think of Easter it makes me really happy. Maybe it's because it usually symbolizes Spring and new life, maybe not. Here are some of the things that make Easter great:

1. It's a great reason to buy a new dress. And new shoes to go with the new dress. And new jewelry to accessorize the new dress and shoes. And a new bag to tie the whole outfit together.

2. Candy. Hello! At this point in my life I just like putting the baskets together for other people. I hope children don't read this. If they do, the baskets I put together are in addition to what the Easter Bunny brings. Yeah, that's why I'm good to know. You get twice as much loot when you stay with Aunt Melly.

3. Easter Egg hunts. We just got back from a visit with some good friends of mine from college. We did the annual "Easter Egg Hunt in the Dark." It was a little chilly, but nothing like an egg hunt to make you feel young again.

4. Another excuse to invite people over for dinner and force Kent to be social. This way I have people to talk to and usually he has a guy he can talk sports with. Sometimes a girl needs a break from speaking "ESPNish."

5. I think deviled eggs and egg salad sandwiches are delicious. They are. For sure they carry a strong and sometimes overpowering scent but so do fish and plenty of people love to eat them. On occasion my mom would make us egg salad sandwiches for our school lunches and while I loved them, it was always embarrassing to open your locker and stink up the hallway...no kid wants to be known as "The Stinky Lunch Kid."

I always loved waking up on Easter morning to go hunt for my basket. The "Easter Bunny" would usually hide all of them around our back yard and we would each have our 15 minutes of camera time. There were some years where the "Easter Bunny" had a little too much fun hiding the baskets, and we have home videos to prove it.

Probably my worst Easter memory was the year I had to go to the doctor on that bright Sunday morning. This may be TMI, but on that fateful Easter Eve, after a long day of shopping with my family for the annual Easter ensemble, I noticed an itchy black spot just under my armpit as I was getting ready for bed. I went downstairs to have my mom look at it, and it turns out it was a tick (we often went awandering through the woods around my house) that had burrowed over half of it's body into my skin (Is this too graphic?). So, my mom being the amateur witch doctor tried every home remedy in the books to get it to "back out." Needless to say all the poking, prodding, and burning were to no avail. So an appointment was scheduled for the next day to have the doctor remove it himself. I'll leave something to the imagination, but I'll set the scene by telling you that there was no anesthetic or pain killer and all he used was a needle and a pair of very sharp scissors.

And on that note, Happy Easter from our house to yours.

Lame, Lame, and Lamer Still

I remember watching the first season of The Bachelor with my college roommate, Lauren, trying to determine what it was all about and if it was worth running home from my evening class to catch (this was before DVR). The concept was interesting: one very desirable bachelor looking to select the love of his life from 25 eager bachelorettes. I'm not really big on the reality TV that stages the drama, but that many females all residing in one house fighting for the same man's affection has a high potential for "interesting" conversations. It has yet to let me down.

The new season of the show will be starting shortly, starring a lovely young man hailing from London, England - he LOVES American women. Although in the preview they show him crossing a London street wearing an expensive-looking suit in his BARE FEET. What is that supposed to represent? What does that mean? Is there symbolism here I'm missing? Kent thinks he'll be pretty funny to watch though, but he told me I'll probably need to do a lot of translating as he has a hard time understanding the Brits. It is a common misconception that the British speak the same language we do. Before they showed us this little "Sneak Peek" into the new season, they recapped all of the Bachelor/Bachelorette seasons to date. This was really the purpose of this episode. It was pretty hilarious to relive all the little moments, all the crazy chicks, all the over-confident, self-indulgent men. Good times. I hope this next comment doesn't come off as betrayal to members of my sex, but I have to admit that one of my favorite parts of this show is watching the women who are "closet crazies" slowly unravel and completely lose it on national TV. One of my favorites is from this last season, where Hillary was totally clueless about how her relationship with Brad was developing. In all of his confessionals he kept saying how he kept getting more of the "Friend/Sister" vibe when he spent time with her, and in her confessionals she would talk about how deeply and madly she was falling in love with him. It got to the point where he would actually say it to her face, but she would still come out swearing that the chemistry between them kept getting stronger. {Psycho!} So the inevitable rose ceremony comes along (her dressed in white to inspire the wedding thoughts in him) where he doesn't pick her. What!?! How could he not pick Hillary?!? He was so clearly in love with her! In fact, it catches her by such surprise, that she starts to have a serious breakdown. Hyperventilating, mascara and eyeliner streaming down her face, the "Why Me?", she even went as far as saying, "I just wanted to make my Daddy proud." By going on a reality TV show to find the man of your dreams? I think I can speak for my Dad when I say that is the last way to invoke pride in a father. Words just do not do this scene justice but I've been having trouble finding a video clip. If you have some free time you can watch the full "Where Are They Now" episode on abc.com.

Near the end of this episode they show all these ratings from all the Bachelor seasons, i.e. Most Dramatic Moment, Most Romantic Moment, etc etc. I don't know who they poll for these ratings, but if this is really what America chose, do as all major organizations do and fudge the results. For Most Dramatic Moment they picked the scene where at the end of a date with 2 of the girls he picks one and then the two of them climb in the helicopter and hover off, leaving the rejected woman watching them from the heli-pad. Okay, major burn I will grant you that, but Most Dramatic Moment, out of all the seasons of the show? I think not.

And here's the part that really bothered me: Best Bachelor. You know who they picked for that one? Lame Lt. Andy Baldwin. Seriously, look at his picture - What a Goober. This man was a total robot. Total Robot. He was always awkward, obviously spouting canned lines, I mean, you could practically see his eyes following the teleprompter. I have nothing against military men so don't think it's that, this guy was just lame. L-A-M-E. Granted, most of these guys end up lame by the end of the season, but he was the WORST. You know who I would have voted for: Bob. Bob was the cutest, most sincere Bachelor I've seen on the show. You just can't help but love him. He's adorable. If Hillary had her meltdown after losing him, I would understand. But alas, the networks no longer ask for my opinion on these things, which is probably what led to that whole writer's strike to begin with.

This post is mostly dedicated to my loving husband, Kent. Not because he's my bachelor and the love of my life, but because he subscribes to shows and movies just because he loves how angry I get at the stupid people. In fact, he watched a movie on TV while home sick one day, and DVR'd it because he thought it would be a good one to "rile me up." I'm not kidding, that's a direct quote. If you don't believe me, refer to his Chick Flick post here.

AP Top 25 Candy...Now with bottom 10 rankings!

Every kid loves candy, goes CRAZY for all things candy-related. In our house, we didn't get allowances, we got candybars. 1 for doing your job, 1 for cleaning up your room clean, 3 if you mowed the lawn, 1 if you swept the driveway, etc.

Unfortunately, 1 or 2 candy bars a week was not going to cut it. My older brother Brian managed to save his Halloween candy to last until the next Halloween, but the rest of us didn't have that kind of discipline. We would do odd jobs for neighbors to make pennies just to cross the extremely perilous street of 8th North to buy candy at the fruit stand. They sold EVERYTHING there. Seriously, at least 50 to 100 types of candy. Everything to the penny candy (Frooties) to the King Size Tangy Taffy (50 cents!). We would dodge Semi's screaming down the highway at 50 mph like we were on Frogger just for 7 cent's worth of Frooties. My little brother Kurt almost got ran over right in front of my eyes.

So now, more than ever, I appreciate the fact that I make enough money to buy boxes of candy bars. I also appreciate the fact that I am now the driver of the cars trying to run over the kids. This leads me to the always controversial Candy Rankings:

25. Salt water taffy - Not to be confused with the Orange/Black crap candy described below.
24. Cinnamon Bears - Is it possible to eat a cinnamon bear without biting its head off first? I know I haven't been able to.
23. Whoppers - Just airy enough that you can eat about a million of these and not get full.
22. Fun Dip - This may be extinct, but I remembered how great it was to dip the stick in the pouch and pull it out with sugary goodness. I always threw the dipping stick away after I was done, it wasn't good enough to eat by itself.
21. Nerds - I had some double-dipped Nerds the other day and those were delectable. Extra points for the easy-pour packaging.
20. Pixie Sticks - Pure sugar. The novice will try to suck the sugar out but that makes the paper end all gunky with sugar and then you can't get a nice flow into your mouth. You need to open and dump it upside down into your mouth. This is risky because you might spill some precious flavored sugar on the ground.
19. Gummi Bears/Worms - I prefer the texture and novelty of eating worms over eating bears.
18. Black Licorice, and/or black jelly beans. This is up here purely for controversy, as black licorice is the single-most polarizing issue on earth. You can never offer someone a black jelly bean without getting their opinion on it:

Question: "Would you like a black jelly bean?"
Answer number 1: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Are you crazy?! Black jelly beans are the equivalent of deer pellets! I would rather kill my own mother than eat a black jelly bean!"
Answer number 2: "Yes, I would. Black jelly beans are delicious. Anybody who thinks otherwise should kill their own mother. I am a sensible person and right on this issue, even though it's purely a matter of taste."

17. Junior Mints - You have to quote Kramer every time you eat a Junior Mint: "It's very refreshing!"
16. M&M's - This loses points because the plain ones are so worthless. Why would you ever purchase Plain when you could buy Peanut or Peanut Butter for the same price?
15. Big League Chew - Is there anything better for a 10 year old at a little league game than reaching into a bag of Big League Chew and pulling out strands of gum? I submit that there there is NOT!
14. Rolo/Milk Duds - Essentially the same candy, although Milk Duds are more of a workout for your jaw than candy.
13. Airheads - What's the deal with the mystery flavor?
12. Caramello - Always a big fat mess with caramel strands everywhere.
11. Mint 3 Musketeers - I wasn't a fan of regular 3 Musketeers, but the mint is a huge upgrade.
10. Milky Way
9. Peach Rings - These make my teeth hurt after about 5 of them. They also pioneered the gummy movement that had a white bottom and a orangle/green/blue top, for example the gummi sharks, penguins, the apple rings, etc. The gummi sharks and penguins were never any good, however. I guess I just never cared much for penguin meat.
8. Strawberry Charleston Chew - Regular Chuck Chew was alright, but strawberry was heavenly. Although this probably belongs in the "discontinued" section below, I haven't seen it in ages.
7. Sweettarts - Chewy sweettarts were the best version of these, but I just love tarts. That's why I married one.
6. Nibs - Mmmmmmmmmmmm. I don't know why these are so much better than regular Twizzlers, but they are.
5. Starburst - My favorite kind was the blue one-California fruits. They changed them around a bit, but they're still really good.
4. Snickers - A classic.
3. Twix - I like the alternative flavors a lot, like cookies and cream and peanut butter.
2. Reese's - There is nothing better than chocolate with artificial peanut butter. The only problem I have is that there is so much wrapping, and sometimes the bottom layer will get stuck to the cup wrapper thingee. Then you have to lick it off, and your chocolate/peanut butter ratio is all screwed up.
1. Tangy Taffy - This is no longer called "Tangy Taffy", it merged with "Laffy Taffy" but it does not have the same taste as the regular Laffy Taffy. This is also discontinued, unless you're a Tangy Taffy freak like me and you special order from the Internet. I currently have 2 boxes of Tangy Taffy in my desk at work. I spent about 80 bucks on taffy last order (about 6 months ago).

Not that good:

10. Candy corn - Too waxy
9. Bit o'honey - Too unedible
8. Big Hunk - Only good if you need a few teeth to come out
7. Plain M and M's - Booooooring
6. Plain Kisses - Plain chocolate is lame
5. Hugs/Any sort of white chocolate - For rappers or candy, white chocolate has GOT to go
4. European Chocolate - Also up here purely for the controversy. I can't decide if people talk about how heavenly Euro chocolate is because they want to tell everyone about the time they went to Prague, or if they really like it that much more, but I would say that I'm not a big fan. I'll take my Snickers any day of the week. I will admit that I like Euro Snickers better than US Snickers, but there's not much difference, it's just less sweet. It also could be because Euro candy (especially in Poland and Russia) is downright nasty so any good candy tastes divine in comparison.
3. Orange Slices - Although they always look tasty, I end up taking a bite and thinking, "Why am I eating this?"
2. Gummi sharks/penguins
1. Those white candies wrapped in orange or black paper that you got at Halloween. "This is gonna be some crap candy." -Seinfeld

That crap candy reminds me of the year(s) that our house gave out peanuts instead of candy. Those were embarrassing years, I'm lucky we survived without getting our house egged. Maybe the kids in our neighborhood were just glad they didn't get more Smarties or Tootsie Rolls. We made up for it a few years later giving out Airheads. I felt like we were the richest family in the neighborhood.

Extinct candy that I remember being snacktacular:
Tiny tarts - Does anybody remember these?
Peanut Butter Snickers - In 8th grade I would ride my bike a mile down to Macey's just to buy these. Then I'd have to sneak them in past Mom so she wouldn't know I was wasting my money on candy. I'm pretty sure it would give Tangy Taffy a run for its money if it was still around.
Whatchamacallit - This might be still in production.
Bar None - I can't remember much about this bar except it was good.

Hey, thanks. Sincerely, The Earth.

Growing up, every time the national news came on or whatever, my dad would listen to what they were saying and then scoff. He always thought whatever the media said was dead-wrong and usually didn't stick around to hear any more of it. Being the impressionable youth that I was, I grew to be skeptical about what the media said.

Now that I'm older, I realize that my dad was correct in his scoffing. I'm not much of a newsie, but when I do come across something that I know/care about, usually I pay attention just long enough to figure out that they're WRONG, which allows me appropriate scoffage. The media is just as much a corporation as the corporations that they decry, except the difference is that the corporations the media hates aren't hiding the fact that they're in it for the money.

OF COURSE the major news channels are in it for the money, otherwise they wouldn't use every scare tactic in the book to get you to watch. The greatest part about this is that these scare tactics still work because everybody continually buys into the fact that your identity will be stolen the moment you log onto the interwebs, the earth will melt due to you driving to work in an SUV, and every person in your neighborhood has been, is currently, or will soon be a rapist.

Now this isn't a post to rip on the media, or the environmentalists, or rapists. It's really a plug for the very entertaining blog that I found just today. Although I like to substitute "white people" with "liberals" and it seems to make more sense.

While I'm here, I will get a nice little complaint in: those huge golf umbrellas have GOT to go. For those of you living in climates where it rains enough for people to own umbrellas, you know what I'm talking about. I understand the need to protect yourself from the rain, but there should be a limit on the size of the umbrellas. I think a 5 foot diameter is sufficient. After that, and you're just creating a huge traffic jam on every sidewalk. I saw this guy today wearing a ski parka with his hood on underneath this 10-foot monster umbrella. How much protection from the rain do you really need? Will a few drops on your shoes completely ruin your day? Arrrrggghhh!!! Okay, I'm done now.