AP Top 25 Candy...Now with bottom 10 rankings!

Every kid loves candy, goes CRAZY for all things candy-related. In our house, we didn't get allowances, we got candybars. 1 for doing your job, 1 for cleaning up your room clean, 3 if you mowed the lawn, 1 if you swept the driveway, etc.

Unfortunately, 1 or 2 candy bars a week was not going to cut it. My older brother Brian managed to save his Halloween candy to last until the next Halloween, but the rest of us didn't have that kind of discipline. We would do odd jobs for neighbors to make pennies just to cross the extremely perilous street of 8th North to buy candy at the fruit stand. They sold EVERYTHING there. Seriously, at least 50 to 100 types of candy. Everything to the penny candy (Frooties) to the King Size Tangy Taffy (50 cents!). We would dodge Semi's screaming down the highway at 50 mph like we were on Frogger just for 7 cent's worth of Frooties. My little brother Kurt almost got ran over right in front of my eyes.

So now, more than ever, I appreciate the fact that I make enough money to buy boxes of candy bars. I also appreciate the fact that I am now the driver of the cars trying to run over the kids. This leads me to the always controversial Candy Rankings:

25. Salt water taffy - Not to be confused with the Orange/Black crap candy described below.
24. Cinnamon Bears - Is it possible to eat a cinnamon bear without biting its head off first? I know I haven't been able to.
23. Whoppers - Just airy enough that you can eat about a million of these and not get full.
22. Fun Dip - This may be extinct, but I remembered how great it was to dip the stick in the pouch and pull it out with sugary goodness. I always threw the dipping stick away after I was done, it wasn't good enough to eat by itself.
21. Nerds - I had some double-dipped Nerds the other day and those were delectable. Extra points for the easy-pour packaging.
20. Pixie Sticks - Pure sugar. The novice will try to suck the sugar out but that makes the paper end all gunky with sugar and then you can't get a nice flow into your mouth. You need to open and dump it upside down into your mouth. This is risky because you might spill some precious flavored sugar on the ground.
19. Gummi Bears/Worms - I prefer the texture and novelty of eating worms over eating bears.
18. Black Licorice, and/or black jelly beans. This is up here purely for controversy, as black licorice is the single-most polarizing issue on earth. You can never offer someone a black jelly bean without getting their opinion on it:

Question: "Would you like a black jelly bean?"
Answer number 1: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Are you crazy?! Black jelly beans are the equivalent of deer pellets! I would rather kill my own mother than eat a black jelly bean!"
Answer number 2: "Yes, I would. Black jelly beans are delicious. Anybody who thinks otherwise should kill their own mother. I am a sensible person and right on this issue, even though it's purely a matter of taste."

17. Junior Mints - You have to quote Kramer every time you eat a Junior Mint: "It's very refreshing!"
16. M&M's - This loses points because the plain ones are so worthless. Why would you ever purchase Plain when you could buy Peanut or Peanut Butter for the same price?
15. Big League Chew - Is there anything better for a 10 year old at a little league game than reaching into a bag of Big League Chew and pulling out strands of gum? I submit that there there is NOT!
14. Rolo/Milk Duds - Essentially the same candy, although Milk Duds are more of a workout for your jaw than candy.
13. Airheads - What's the deal with the mystery flavor?
12. Caramello - Always a big fat mess with caramel strands everywhere.
11. Mint 3 Musketeers - I wasn't a fan of regular 3 Musketeers, but the mint is a huge upgrade.
10. Milky Way
9. Peach Rings - These make my teeth hurt after about 5 of them. They also pioneered the gummy movement that had a white bottom and a orangle/green/blue top, for example the gummi sharks, penguins, the apple rings, etc. The gummi sharks and penguins were never any good, however. I guess I just never cared much for penguin meat.
8. Strawberry Charleston Chew - Regular Chuck Chew was alright, but strawberry was heavenly. Although this probably belongs in the "discontinued" section below, I haven't seen it in ages.
7. Sweettarts - Chewy sweettarts were the best version of these, but I just love tarts. That's why I married one.
6. Nibs - Mmmmmmmmmmmm. I don't know why these are so much better than regular Twizzlers, but they are.
5. Starburst - My favorite kind was the blue one-California fruits. They changed them around a bit, but they're still really good.
4. Snickers - A classic.
3. Twix - I like the alternative flavors a lot, like cookies and cream and peanut butter.
2. Reese's - There is nothing better than chocolate with artificial peanut butter. The only problem I have is that there is so much wrapping, and sometimes the bottom layer will get stuck to the cup wrapper thingee. Then you have to lick it off, and your chocolate/peanut butter ratio is all screwed up.
1. Tangy Taffy - This is no longer called "Tangy Taffy", it merged with "Laffy Taffy" but it does not have the same taste as the regular Laffy Taffy. This is also discontinued, unless you're a Tangy Taffy freak like me and you special order from the Internet. I currently have 2 boxes of Tangy Taffy in my desk at work. I spent about 80 bucks on taffy last order (about 6 months ago).

Not that good:

10. Candy corn - Too waxy
9. Bit o'honey - Too unedible
8. Big Hunk - Only good if you need a few teeth to come out
7. Plain M and M's - Booooooring
6. Plain Kisses - Plain chocolate is lame
5. Hugs/Any sort of white chocolate - For rappers or candy, white chocolate has GOT to go
4. European Chocolate - Also up here purely for the controversy. I can't decide if people talk about how heavenly Euro chocolate is because they want to tell everyone about the time they went to Prague, or if they really like it that much more, but I would say that I'm not a big fan. I'll take my Snickers any day of the week. I will admit that I like Euro Snickers better than US Snickers, but there's not much difference, it's just less sweet. It also could be because Euro candy (especially in Poland and Russia) is downright nasty so any good candy tastes divine in comparison.
3. Orange Slices - Although they always look tasty, I end up taking a bite and thinking, "Why am I eating this?"
2. Gummi sharks/penguins
1. Those white candies wrapped in orange or black paper that you got at Halloween. "This is gonna be some crap candy." -Seinfeld

That crap candy reminds me of the year(s) that our house gave out peanuts instead of candy. Those were embarrassing years, I'm lucky we survived without getting our house egged. Maybe the kids in our neighborhood were just glad they didn't get more Smarties or Tootsie Rolls. We made up for it a few years later giving out Airheads. I felt like we were the richest family in the neighborhood.

Extinct candy that I remember being snacktacular:
Tiny tarts - Does anybody remember these?
Peanut Butter Snickers - In 8th grade I would ride my bike a mile down to Macey's just to buy these. Then I'd have to sneak them in past Mom so she wouldn't know I was wasting my money on candy. I'm pretty sure it would give Tangy Taffy a run for its money if it was still around.
Whatchamacallit - This might be still in production.
Bar None - I can't remember much about this bar except it was good.