The Return of Terrence!

Okay, it's obviously been a while since Terrence last made an appearance, so I want to refresh everybody's minds as to who is who and what's going on. If you really want to, you can start over, but I won't blame you if you don't:

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5

For those of you, okay, all of you, who didn't reread those chapters:

Dudes

Terrence - Title character, kind of a socially clumsy goon, who is dating the otherwise-sensible Annie, whom he locked down with the FCP approach. She never knew what hit her. Roommate of Chris.
Chris - Narrator, interested in HGW (Hottest Girl in the Ward), also known as Anita. Also, slightly interested in Annie, although she's off-limits with the whole Terrence thing.
One of the Steves - Best looking roommate of Terrence's apartment, kind of a womanizer. Also, the only one with a car.
Others in the apartment: Another Steve (ugly, good personality), 2 guys named Frank, and The King, who is this mysterious fellow who only appears at crucial points to dispense sage advice.

Chicks
Annie - Terrence's current "GF", who had pretty succumbed to Terrence's in-your-face approach.
Anita - HGW, see above. Kind of a raunch in public, secretly nice in private.
Annette - In love with Terrence, and constantly brings him food. Terrence isn't interested.
Melba - Annette's generously-portioned friend, who is obsessed with Chris, no matter how much of a jerk he is to her.

If this was a teen drama on the CW, this part would be prefaced by "Previously on Terrence" and then show scenes involving all the relevant characters to this week's episode. In fact, let's just do that...

Previously on Terrence:

Chris went on a date with Anita...

Chris: So why did you agree to go with me?
Anita: Everybody deserves at least one chance. Even a schmuck like you. (smiles)

Things moved forward with Terrence and Annie...

(Scene showing Terrence smooching Annie with Chris watching in the bushes)

But now Annie's not so sure...

Annie: When I kissed him, I didn't have any awesome feelings of skyrockets in flight or shooting stars or anything like that.
Chris: Terrence is new to this whole kissing thing. Give him time.

(Cue Terrence theme music, showing a montage of all the main characters doing Zoobie-esque things)

Chapter 6

The Breakup

Saturday, September 27, 2003

2:37 AM

It was another late night of watching dumb movies and Seinfeld reruns on the tube. All 5 of us (me, the Steves, and the Franks) were piled in the living room, bags of chips and microwave popcorn laying next to us, half-eaten and getting staler by the second. We had done our usual Friday night routine: Go to the pretentious Belmont party at 11 pm, stand in the corner and pretend like we're cool, nod our head at people we barely know, and try to make eye contact with the hair-school chicks that are already buried in a room of dudes. We never, ever, had success at those parties. And every week we left saying "I hate those parties". Of course, we were back the next Friday.

The post-party conversation at our apartment was equally pointless. We all made fun of good-lookin' Steve for ignoring us while he tried to make a move on some blonde whose hair was so straight you could use it for a level. Then we ripped on Personality Steve for getting rejected by 5 or so girls. Then we ripped on me for not even trying, but I made my usual excuses: "I wasn't feeling it" or "Nobody there was my type". The Franks just laughed.

That's when Terrence walked in. He kept his head down and walked straight back to his room. He moved so quickly, we barely noticed that his eyes were red and swollen. The door slammed behind him, and we all gave each other the excited "Oh yeah, there's gonna be drama" look, and Steve nodded for me to go back to our room and get The Scoop. Return and report.

I tapped on the door and cracked it open, like a dad coming to console his full-of-teen-angst daughter. "Terrence? Can I come in?" Of course, if I didn't care about getting The Scoop, I would've just barged in, as per usual.

"Of course, it's your room, too," he responded with a quiver in his voice.

I put on my best compassionate face and concerned voice. "Terrence, is everything okay? You don't sound like yourself." I haven't sounded this concerned since my mission when I used and abused the Commitment Pattern to some serious avail.

"Yeah, I'm okay."

I sat down on his bed, next to him. He still had his head down, staring at his shoes. I patted his knee three times, then closed it with a gentle, loving squeeze, moving my hand from his knee to his shoulder. "Terrence, when you hurt, I hurt. Let's just get this out in the open." I paused and waited for him to feel my brotherly love. The room was chock full of Trust.

Terrence looked up at me with his big blue eyes, all bloodshot and wet. Tears started streaming down his cheeks and he began quiverring uncontrollably, like an elephant chuckling at a good rhino joke. His huge bear mitts grabbed my shoulders and pulled me into his bosom, burying my face in his left pectoral. His huge arms wrapped around me and squeezed me tight. I was now Terrence's personal Teddy Bear.

He started bawling. He just cried and cried. For like 10 minutes. That's a long time for a man-hug, let me tell you. No words, just sobbing and gasping for air.

He finally released his vice-grip, and I got my own fresh breath of air. My hair was soaked with his tears and my face red with suffocation. I still had no idea what happened, but I was willing to risk another 10-minute hug for The Scoop: "Now it's time to talk, T. Just get it out. You can only cry for so long, now it's my turn to cry for you. But I can't cry if I don't know why." My manipulation tactics were solid gold. Gold, Jerry!

Terrence wiped his eyes with a dirty sock off the floor and then blew a stringy gob of mucus into it. Now he was ready to share. "She dumped me."

"She? Who, Annie?"

"Yeah, Annie."

"You didn't see it coming?" That came out wrong.

Terrence was too upset to shoot me a look. "Nope. I thought things were rosy. We had a magical kiss just a few days ago, and then, tonight, when I brought up marriage, she got all hesitant."

"Women!"

"I know! First she leads me on, says that I'm a great guy, very nice, a stand-up fellow, innocent, cute, all those things women look for, you know. But then the next thing she says, 'It's not you, it's me.'"

"'It's not you, it's me'. That's what she said?" I couldn't believe Annie used the oldest line in the breakup book.

"Yeah."

"Are you sure it wasn't you?" Now I was just provoking him.

Terrence got a little mad at that. "Of course it wasn't me! I did everything the book said!" He pulled out a skinny, worn-down paperback from his back pocket and handed it to me.

"Fast Engagements for Idiots by George Q. Bytheway," I read under my breath.

"I asked her what she was dealing with, why it was her and not me. She said she didn't feel like she was worthy enough to date me." That Annie! Was she going to pull out all of the Provo cliches in one sitting? "So I told her that those feelings are normal when you're dating a spirit-chal guy like me, and that eventually, I would bring her up to my level."

I almost laughed. "What'd she say to that?"

"She just laughed at me."

"What a jerk!"

"I know, I was really upset. But she said it wasn't what I said, she was just reminded of a funny joke." Annie was really taking advantage of poor, trusting Terrence.

"So it is completely over?"

"I'm not sure. I suggested taking a break for a while, but she said we should just be friends and date other people."

"Sounds like it's over." Should I give him the ol' "other fish in the sea" motivational speech now or later? Nah, I'll save it. "Try to get some sleep."

Sunday, September 28, 2003


We were all at Ward Prayer, lacking a certain Terrence. I spied Anita from across the room and tried to make eye contact with her. No such luck. I stared at her for like 5 minutes and got nothin'. This was not good news, especially since I didn't see her at church.

After the prayer, I zoomed over to her to see if she still remembered me. I approached her as she was talking with some Zoob. I tapped her on the shoulder, and she looked to see who it was. It was me.

"Oh, hey. It's you." She returned to her conversation, giving me no chance to speak. So I waited. And waited. I continued standing there like an idiot, waiting for her to turn around to give me an audience. The room cleared out, and it was just us 2 and this Zoob, with me on the outside looking in.

Finally, I cleared my throat and interjected, "Anita, I'd THANK you to give me 10 seconds of your precious time!"

She turned to face me with a scornful mien. "You have 10 seconds."

"Oh, well-"

"9."

"Actually, if-"

"8...7...6..."

"Are you just going to countdown to 0?" I asked in frustration as she maintained her count.

"...3...2...1..." And she turned back to the Zoob. I walked away, angry as ever. What a raunch-beast!

10:43 PM

I was busy moping while finishing up my Biology 100 homework when the Steves walked in, cheerful as always. Nothing like a smile to make my bad mood worse.

"Steve just asked out Anita!" exclaimed Personality Steve.

"What? I had her rights! I was about to sign her to a long-term deal!"

Good-Looking (GL) Steve looked incredulous. "I don't think so, buddy. You had your chance to lock her down, now she's a free agent, and she's signing with me for more money and a guaranteed contract," he said, mockingly.

I couldn't be mad at GL Steve, though. He had his clever retort all ready for my initial rebuttal, and I had to give him props for that. Plus, Anita had clearly blown me off earlier, and that did mean she was a free agent. "You got me, Steve. Good luck with THAT." Then came a knock at the door.

"There she is now," said GL Steve, "couldn't wait for Friday, I bet." He swung open the door and his face dropped. "Oh, it's you." And he slammed the door and walked away.

"Who was it?" I asked.

"Nobody important." I refused to believe him and ran to the door. Ever since junior high, when the phone or doorbell rang, my heart always jumped, hoping it was some beautiful girl that I had a crush on finally coming to her senses and arriving at my door to declare her love. Usually it was the UPS guy or the landlord. At best it was a beautiful girl coming over for one of my roommates. But I still had that hope and ran to open the door. It was Annie.

"Oh, it's you."

"Don't slam it!"

"Why not?"

"I need to talk to Terrence."

"You want him back?"

"No, I-"

"Then you can't talk to Terrence."

"I'm just worried about him! He wasn't at Ward Prayer, he didn't even talk to me at church today."

"The world doesn't revolve around you, Annie. Terrence is already dating someone else, he's fine," I lied.

"He is? Who?"

"Some buxom blonde."

"Very funny."

"Seriously." I kept a straight-face like no one's business.

"Come on, Chris, just let me talk to him. If he says he doesn't want anything to do with me, I'll go away."

"Fine." I went back to the room and Terrence was asleep. Since he got about zero sleep Friday and Saturday night, I didn't wake him. So I lied. "He doesn't want anything to do with you. Sorry, Annie. Looks like your business is done here. Unless you're here for a booty call."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah, let me see if Steve's available first."

"Very funny. See you later, jerk."

WILL ANNIE GET BACK TOGETHER WITH TERRENCE? OR WILL SHE START GOING AFTER CHRIS? AND WILL CHRIS JUST FORGET ABOUT ANITA THAT EASILY? AND WHAT WILL HAPPEN ON THE DATE BETWIXT ANITA AND GL STEVE? DISCUSS OR DEATH!